No match(maker)

Little frogs cute love
Little frogs cute love

Dear effbook:

I know we don’t know each other very well. I mean. You hardly notice me except when you want to force me to shut down my primary account shortly after I’ve given you money for advertising, but whatever. I’m not bitter.

Okay, I’m a little bitter, but you can hardly blame me. You’re manipulative and sneaky. But that’s not the worst of it. You claim to know so much about me. You think you know me so well, don’t you? Always making recommendations for this china set or that vacation spot. As if you listened when I told you about Grandmother Smaug’s horrid Old English Roses. As if you cared.

Remember that time you recommended body waxing and I laughed for, like, twenty minutes? Or the time you thought I’d spend two minutes of my life thinking about mascara? These are serious problems, effbook.

So I just want to point out that. I mean. Okay. I’ve been in a long-term committed relationship…a MARRIAGE, in fact, for fifteen years, give or take, and, I mean, it’s not so much that you’re showing me photos of men who you suggest “could be my next boyfriend”. It’s that I know one of the ones you showed me, and he’s a fine fellow, and I already know him, and he’s gay. Not that there’s anything wrong with being gay. I just. I really question some of your algorithms, because I’m, like, 100% sure that this fellow would never have said he’s interested in women. Nor, for that matter, in men who look like women. Nor in women who look like men.

Really, IF I were in the dating cycle, which, thank #Glob I am not, I probably wouldn’t trust any suggestions you gave me based on the whole ‘Old English Roses’ thing alone, but when you couple that with trying to hook me up with a man who isn’t into women (as I found out when I hit on him relentlessly in 1995), it starts looking like you’re just being a dick. Also, HE’S MARRIED TOO.


Like. It even says that in his profile. ON EFFBOOK.

And how desperate do you have to be to use EFFBOOK as a dating service? “You know, I’m only really interested in friends and friends-of-friends. Oh! And family of course! Can’t go wrong when you date your cousins!” For all you cousin-daters out there, I’m not judging you; I’m criticising effbook for trying to hook me up with a married man.

Hey, maybe M- is actually bi and just really wasn’t that into me in 1995. And maybe the life he’s living now is a complete lie (and if it is, I want the lamp. You know the one). Maybe he’s just pretended to be gay all these years for, like, the tax breaks or the rainbow flags at pride or whatever. And hey, I’m not making any judgements about alternative relationship structures. Open marriage, swinging, poly, asexual, I don’t care what floats your boat. I know what floats mine, and while M- was definitely it in 1995, WHY IS EFFBOOK TRYING TO SET ME UP AT ALL?

And why aren’t you, effbook, trying to set me up with my International actor boyfriend Benedict Cumberbatch? Or my X-Men boyfriend Wolverine? Or my oh my god she’s everything I ever wanted in a woman girlfriend Tilda Swinton? I would do DIRTY THINGS with Tilda Swinton. Things that require bathing afterward. And possibly a pilot’s license.

Well, now I’m distracted.

In closing, I do not trust your judgement, effbook.



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2 responses to “No match(maker)”

  1. der kaptin Avatar
    der kaptin

    So am I to take it that you have abandoned your literary boyfriend? He gets no mention, even behind Tilda (ew) Swineton. Just wondering if Neil’s on the iceberg is all…

    1. cenobyte Avatar

      Oh, he’s here. He is SO HERE.

i make squee noises when you tell me stuff.

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