Category: Letters
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No match(maker)
Dear effbook: I know we don’t know each other very well. I mean. You hardly notice me except when you want to force me to shut down my primary account shortly after I’ve given you money for advertising, but whatever. I’m not bitter. Okay, I’m a little bitter, but you can hardly blame me. You’re…
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Be Strong
Dear Princess Kate Middleton: Let me open this missive by saying I don’t actually give much of a rat’s arse about the social and class structure to which you now belong, and I give even less of a rat’s arse about the family you married in to. I mean, it’s not your husband’s fault that…
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Politically Incorrect
Dear Broadcasters: If the reason every new mother you show on your programmes about having babies is not nursing is that you’re worried that the right-wing-nuts who denounce evolution and who lobby against the separation of church and state might pull their consumer dollars from the advertisers who fund your programming, you need to step…
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An Epistle
Dear Poop Pope: Hi. You don’t know me, and you don’t consider me big-cee Catholic (because you don’t recognise any of the five catholic churches other than the Roman Catholic church), so I guess that means that you’ll probably just ignore whatever I have to say, but I thought I’d write anyway. I haven’t studied…
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I think we're breaking up
Dear Database: You and I have had our differences in the past, and I swear to God, I have done everything I can to try and understand you. I know that you had a difficult upbringing, and, like anyone in a relationship, you brought baggage to ours. No one would say we have had an…
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Doofus and the Crosseyed Wench
Dear little wee people living inside my television: It must be very difficult for you living in there; you have to have specially-made tiny furniture and cars and underpants. I suppose they don’t let you out of there much, what with the demands of syndication. On the other hand, your weather is usually predictable. Listen,…