You know what’s screwed up? What’s screwed up is when you decide that enough is enough, it’s time to DO something with yourself, and you start working out every morning, and your body starts doing effed up things. That’s screwy.
And by ‘effed up things’, I mean gaining a pound a day.
One may have discussed this very thing with Neo and with SWC, but none of what they have said is a) news, or b) reassuring. I KNOW muscle weighs more than fat. I KNOW your metabolism changes when you start doing regular activity. I KNOW you can retain water. But a fricken’ pound a fricken’ day? FOR TWO WEEKS?
SWC said something about something-something ‘lose a whole bunch of weight all at once’, something-something something (he kind of lost me in the beginning and end bits there, with his fancy talkin’ and his multiple choice questions). So that better happen. Seriously. Because if I keep working out every morning and just getting bigger and bigger, I’m going to end up looking like this:
And nobody wants that.
After the tongue graft and the vein implants, you’re just never the same person. And then I’d have to go and find a bunch of tapeworms to make a costume, and some kind of large bladder stone to make a necklace out of.
When I get to this point, you know, there’s just no reason to keep going. Not even yoga can save you from the popping veins and the dried-out husk of skin. In the ‘you are what you eat’ spectrum, this is really the ‘walnut shells’ stage. Nobody wants to curl up with someone who could snap your thigh in the crook of her elbow.
Okay, *some* people might want that. I am not one of those people. Sure, there’s the party trick of bouncing each of your pectoral muscles individually in time to the Village People, but that’s only going to get you through two, maybe three art openings or book launches.