No Public Telephone

My Internets died today.

And then my phones died. And the only way I knew my phone died was when #HisNibs texted me to ask why nobody was answering the phone. And I said, “you mean the phone that hasn’t rung all…ohhhhh…”

So I called SaskTel, who is our phone and Internet provider. They were all, “Okay, ma’am [I HATE it when people call me ‘ma’am’]; I’m just going to run a line check to see if your telephone lines are working…yes, it seems your telephone line is not working.”

And I was all, “No shit, Sherlock.”

So then we chat about the fact that my phones aren’t working, and the fellow says, “okay, I’ll set up a repair appointment for Thursday morning – does that work for you?”

And I was all, “Sure. I’ll be at work, so you just come and fix it. That’ll be fine.”

And they were all, “wait, what?”

And I was all, “you’re not expecting me to be home for this are you?”

And they were all, “well, actually…”

And I was all, “buddy. I work. We work. We are workers.”

And he was all, “so nobody will be home at all?”

This was the point at which I was thinking how easy it would be to hack in to a utility’s phone line just to set up appointments to find out when people weren’t going to be home and then go and burgle the shit out of them. I figured burgling isn’t really a lucrative business unless you can find the über rich customers, which are probably the ones that bitch the most, but you could set up a pretty sweet crime ring. Jewelry, cash, dope blu-rays…

Anyway, I was all, “my mother might be home, but she’s been dead for eleven years, so I don’t think she’ll be able to let you in. Besides, once you get her talking, she won’t shut up.”

“….”

“Hello?”

“…uh…yes, well…we will send someone out and it looks like the trouble is on the outside of the house so perhaps they can fix it on Thursday.”

“So, just to be clear, we will be without telephone or Internet service until Thursday?”

“Oh wait,” they said. “You didn’t say anything about Internet. Are you saying your Internet is also not working?”

“I am saying my Internet is also not working. Because, you know, they sort of run on the same line.”

“Well yes,” the fellow said, “but sometimes one might work when the other is not.”

“…that seems highly unlikely,” I said.

“I’m just going to run a line test to see if your Internet is working,” he said.

“It isn’t,” I said.

“It looks like your Internet also isn’t working,” he said.

“I know.”

“So we will fix that up on Thursday.”

“So, Thursday is the soonest you can get out here to fix our telephone and Internet [at this point I am having flashbacks to the time my grandmother’s telephone line went down and she had no access to her emergency health line and SaskTel told me that didn’t count as an emergency so they wouldn’t fix it until the following week unless we wanted to pay $500 to have their repair dude from up the street come to take a look], is that correct?” I ask.

“Well, we can put you on a cancellation list in case someone cancels, but Thursday is the soonest we can schedule it.”

“That’s pretty sad,” I said.

“Pardon?”

“I said, ‘THAT’S PRETTY SAD’. At any rate, I will expect my phone and Internet to be repaired on Thursday morning. Thank you for your time.”

It’s not a huge deal that our phone and Internet will be out for a week. I’m sure it will be more of a hardship for the children. I won’t even notice that our phone is gone. But what *irks* me is that in a “boom” province, apparently it takes four days to get your effing utilities fixed unless you’re some kind of super celebrity.