I started this post in an entirely different manner. Then I erased everything and started again. I don’t know why (or indeed if) that’s important. It seemed poignant.

I am tired of being taken for granted.

So. Here are some ground rules:

  1. Don’t ask for advice you have no intention of following. If the only reason you’re asking my opinion is to hear someone agree with you, we can not be friends.
  2. Don’t ask for support then walk away. I will be here for you if you need me to be. But if I’m not good enough for you, we can not be friends.
  3. Don’t pretend. Just….just don’t fucking pretend. Fake doesn’t look good on you and manipulation doesn’t work on me. And if you *do* try to manipulate me, we can not be friends.
  4. Put in some fucking effort. If ALL you do is send an email or chat once in a while, that’s at least some effort. If you can’t even be arsed to do that, we can not be friends.
  5. If you’re going to continually choose your cooler, more fun friends over me, we can not be friends. This goes hand-in-hand with don’t fucking pretend. I’m not some frumpy, sad friend from high school who’s just so fucking grateful that someone’s paying attention to her that she’ll be friends with ANYONE and who ends up being a great sponge for all your shite.
  6. I’m not interested in your platitudes. Don’t tell me things you think I want to hear. If you say things because you think those things are what people are expected to say, or if you think I need to hear your sweet goddamned nothings, we can not be friends.
  7. Remember to say please and thank you. If you can’t remember these basic manners from the second year of your life and onward, we can not be friends.
  8. Don’t ask me to do something for you that you’re not willing to do or to try to do on your own.
  9. Stop using me. Stop taking me for granted.

Words and actions tell very different stories. And this past year, I’ve been reminded why we should focus on the latter rather than the former. Yeah, I take note of the little things. Usually the little things go way further than the grand gestures anyway.

Apologies for sounding like such an arse. It’s just that I’ve had about as much as I can take of certain attitudes.







16 responses to “Introspection”

  1. AJ Avatar

    I agree whole-heartedly. I’m sure my friends are sick of hearing some of these from me. I’d add:

    10. When I say no and mean it, respect me enough to let that be your answer.

    1. cenobyte Avatar

      Is there a difference between “no and I mean it” and “no and you can try to convince me otherwise”?

      1. AJ Avatar

        I tend to give sarcastic nos and sometimes hesitant nos. A hesitant no means that I’m not sure and could be convinced. A firm or emphatic no means absolutely not. A repeated no is a good sign that you should stop looking for a yes.

        Trying to pry a yes out of me when I mean my no is a good way to quickly build resentment.

      2. neuba Avatar

        I’ve heard that one before. It’s really annoying. When I say, ‘No – and this is the way it’s going to be’ don’t expect that I will just be different a few months down the road.

  2. Stephanie Avatar

    It’s hard to be close to people so far away (and yes, I really do plan on coming out for a visit as soon as life stops kicking me in the junk) so I hope I am not one of the folks this is intended for. I have felt the way you are feeling, many times, and I hate it!! I hope that whomever is doing it gets the point.

    Hugs from far away.


    1. cenobyte Avatar

      Thanks, Steph. And I hope life stops kicking you in the junk soon. It’s time for you to start coasting and stop having to run uphill.

  3. Melistress Avatar

    I have ended some so-called “friendships” over these very same things. Usually I find myself wondering if I am just too hard on people or if my standards are too high. Then the lack of stress I feel afterwards tends to justify my cutting them off. I was in high school 20 years ago and have no intention to go back there, emotionally or otherwise. I know I don’t get out anywhere much but I do try to reach out when I can and however I can. You are better than friends who prompted this post.

  4. Melistress Avatar

    Keep in mind this is early morning rambling from someone who has had very little sleep. Loosely translated it means “I know your feel, bro” and “I love you”.

    1. cenobyte Avatar

      Thanks, man.

      It’s just not easy, you know?

  5. neuba Avatar

    It’s been awhile since I stopped by for a read. So glad I did. How the hell are you; besides irritated?

    1. cenobyte Avatar

      Pretty good! Aside from being irritated.

  6. Wade L Avatar
    Wade L

    Can I just say “What she said”, pretty much?

    Of the list, though, I guess I will say – we all mess up on at least a few of those on occasion. It happens. I think part of how one deals with that is how people react to being called on it too.

    I tend to have big problems with 4, myself, because I can be so goddamn shy (which is made worse by the fact that so many people now have met me when I was in Storyteller/Organizer mode, which is a very not shy persona – but ceno remembers, certainly, what the personality underneath is like from back in the day). For every time I message someone, there are probably five times my mouse hovers over their name in gchat and I’m like “Nah, I wouldn’t want to be a bother…”, and that is just for folks I talk with super-frequently already, never mind folk I don’t see so often.

    1. cenobyte Avatar

      Of course we all mess up on things. Hell, I’m as guilty as anyone of being in gross violation of my own “rules”. That being said, there’s something about doing it over and over and over again. Either you don’t know you’re doing it in that case, or you do and you don’t care.

      In my experience, when I tell someone: “Look, this thing you did really bothered me”, nine times out of ten, the response is:
      “I’m sorry. Had I known that would bother you, I wouldn’t have done it.”

      But one time out of ten, there’s a response more along the lines of, “that’s totally not what I did. I did this, this, and this, and then you did this, and then this happened, and that’s why you’re upset.”

      Or, worse yet, there’s no response at all.

      And yeah, I remember how shy Mr. Wade L can be. I think if you *know* someone well enough to know that they’re really shy, you take that into account when you’re gauging how …approachable? how …dedicated? they are as a friend.

      I mean, f’rinstance. I hate talking on the telephone. I really, REALLY hate it. I’ve always hated it. I assume it’s an imposition to telephone people (even businesses), and I cringe whenever my own phone rings. So I’m the sort of person who just tends not to call people. But I do all kinds of text-based ‘staying in touch’. I’ll even drive to where you are to visit you, if I’m able to. Or let you know I’m in town when I’m in town and would you like to meet for coffee?

      I guess it’s most disturbing when, as has been the case in the past, I see people making a great deal of effort to maintain friendships with other people, but when it comes to our friendship, if I don’t make the effort, none is made at all. There’s really only one person I will handle that kind of crap from who isn’t directly related to me, and even then it’s only because that person doesn’t make any effort with anybody. Which is sad, really.

  7. Cori Avatar

    For the record: I know a lot of people. I have lived all over Canada, in Europe and in America, travelled all over the world, had many jobs and many schools and met many people and made many friends. Hundreds.

    I think I can say, without an ounce of falsehood or uncertainty, that there is, quite literally, no one cooler than you.

    1. cenobyte Avatar

      Way to make me cry at work, Cori.

      I love you, man.

i make squee noises when you tell me stuff.

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