How to Be a Conspiracy Theorist – Hamthrax version

The truth of the matter is that even though there was an outbreak of what the government and the CDC called “Swine Flu” in the 1970s, the H1N1 virus that’s been declared a PANDEMIC by the World Health Organisation is actually a man-made virus. The original virus, which only really affected swine housed in overcroweded conditions, passed the animal/human barrier and spread from pigs to humans. At the time, the then-called ‘swine flu’ was little more than the typical seasonal influenza. However, the US government, then (and now) in the pocket of ‘big drug’ companies, was pressed to encourage US citizens to pay for immunizations, so that the drug companies could realise an economic benefit. At the time, revenues had been dropping steadily since the end of the 50s and 60s when prescriptions of painkillers, tranquillizers, and other drugs used to control mood disorders and mental illnesses had been at an all-time high.

Drug companies developed the vaccine, as most vaccines are developed, by incubating the virus in the albumen of chicken eggs (the whites). What the researchers didn’t know then was that the Swine Flu (Influenza C) virus *mutated* with a virus in several of the egg whites. This was the H5N1 strain of the Influenza A virus. A mutation occurred between the two subtypes of virus. This produced several sub-types of the Influenza A virus, such as H1N1, H1N2, H3N1, H3N2, and H2N3. The vaccine was first tested on pigs. While the vaccine did seem to aleviate the incidence (and severity) of influenza infections, something strange began happening.

Those *humans* working with the swine began falling ill. It turned out the mutated Influenza strain could cross the pig/human species barrier. Scientists postulated that in incubating the mammalian virus in a cross-species manner (chicken eggs) had provided the virus the opportunity it needed to assimilate the mammalian DNA strands. Once a virus gets into the swine population, it can easily cross to humans…not through the meat (who would poison bacon? A kind and loving God would never do that), but the same way human viruses are spread – through body fluids like snot and spit and puke and poop.

The first human victims of what we now know is H1N1 were misdiagnosed with seasonal influenza. This strain of the disease has been around for years. However, with the advent of much more powerful diagnostic and imaging equipment, it became much easier to discover the strain of influenza affecting humans. Early in 2008, in Mexico, doctors discovered an outbreak of H1N1 among the human population. By the time the WHO (the World Health Organisation, not the band) had been able to confirm Mecian doctors’ information, the virus had begun to spread through to the United States. Within a year, H1N1 was declared a pandemic (The WHO’s definition of “pandemic” is very specific – an infectious disease must be passed by humans to humans on a certain number of continents). The Big Drug companies saw this as a boost to the lagging economy – they could sell outrageous amounts of vaccines to countries and this would boost their bottom lines and please shareholders.

The drug companies in turn indicated to the various health ministers from various countries that they could produce mass quantities of vaccines, but that they would have to ensure a certain purchase lot size to make the manufacture economically feasible in a time of economic slow-down. Governments were in for billions of doses of the medicine for a flu that, for the most part, was no more dangerous than any seasonal influenza (incidentally, the WHO’s definition of ‘pandemic’ specifically excludes seasonal influenzas). Therefore, government health authorities and well-placed vocal healthcare providers were encouraged to warn the public, based on the WHO’s confirmation that H1N1 had indeed become a pandemic, about the disease.

Big Drug marketing departments and political spin doctors knew that fear sells faster than sex, and so engaged the media in a massive campaign of “public information” messages (they did the same thing in the 70s with the outbreak of actual swine flu; this strain is a mix of avian flu and swine flu). This had the exact desired effect; people demanded a vaccine…which the Big Drug companies just happened to be able to manufacture…at a price.

However, as with anything in the scientific community, there were those who were annoyingly vocal about their opposition to the idea that H1N1 is any more fatal than any normal seasonal influenza. These opinions were harming the sale of vaccine, so the government had to manufacture a shortage. Everyone knows that the best way to sell your product is to claim there isn’t very much of it.

Therefore, local governments have created a shortage of the vaccine, which has increased demand for it, ensuring the governments will be able to fill their orders and provide enough vaccine for everyone who wants it – but only if they’re willing and able to follow a highly contrived ‘distribution schedule’. If the governments claimed pregnant women and young children were most at risk, that would tug at the heartstrings of every man, woman, and child in the country. Everyone loves pregnant chicks and babies, right?

This is what a Conspiracy Theory about Hamthrax might look like.





2 responses to “How to Be a Conspiracy Theorist – Hamthrax version”

  1. Arnisador Avatar

    Its not paranoia if everyone is out to get you ;)

  2. der kaptin Avatar
    der kaptin

    No, it’s “just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean they aren’t out to get you.” But if H1N1 is a combination of Avian flu and Swine Flu, then you better get the oinkment right away to go along with your tweetment.

i make squee noises when you tell me stuff.

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