I have Seasonal Affective Disorder.

I have, in the past, taken medications to deal with some of the symptoms. I have used light therapy (I had this great doctor who had therapeutic lamps in his office and I could just stop in a few times a week to read/study
under them). I make sure to get outside as much as I can in the winter to capitalise on as much natural light as I can, even though one of the problems is the shortened days and the inability of winter sunlight to provide adequate vitamin D to our systems. I have taken vitamin D supplements and B12. I exercise. I eat well. I have lots of things to do and lots of weapons in my “how to battle mental illness” arse…nal.

While the approach of winter gives me anxiety and mental anguish – sometimes
even img_4719trauma, I guess – I’m not going to ask people not to mention how much they love winter. Even though it bothers me when they do it. Even though the first snowfall of the year makes me irrationally miserable. I’m not going to poop on your parade. My SAD is my issue, and I’m responsible for my own reactions to stimuli. So I might be rumpy when someone gets all !!SQUEE!! over new fallen snow, but I’m not going to freak out about it.

Yeah, Saskatchewan is pretty bloody tough when you have to live with something like SAD. Eight effing months of winter. Eight. Effing. Months. If we could have four months of winter, I’d be fine (in theory). Four months of -20ºC – -40ºC would be just fine, provided there was lots of sun and heat for the rest of the year. I could move. I could pick up stakes and find a lovely beachfront property in a place where it never snows. I could move to Hawaii or the French Riviera or Morocco or somewhere where palm trees grow by choice.
I know winter has a lot to offer. There is a lovely crispness about a shockingly cold day, with the crunch of snow underfoot and fresh, sweet air nipping at your cheeks. Skiing and snowshoeing and skating and why do all winter sports start with the letter ‘s’? It’s terribly automatopoeic. I can see the beauty of winter. I love that it kills bugs. There’s nothing better than laundry freeze-dried on the line. I love when new fallen snow blankets the world around you and there’s a dampened sound and everything is quiet and the light reflects off of sparkles in each flake.

It’s a strange relationship, really. I completely understand what they mean by “love-hate relationship”. They mean “the way cenobyte feels about winter”. Except in my case it’s more of a hate-accept-hate-love-hate-hate relationship.
There is a creeping horror that begins around this time of year – some years it’s better than others, like when we have a long, warm, and bright/sunny autumn. A couple of years ago, cold, grey weather hit like a brick in November and all I remember from that year is wanting to warm some rocks in the oven and then put them in my bed and crawl under them and stay there until June. This year, with the “winter-like conditions” (they can’t actually say img_4720“blizzard” unless the wind is a certain speed and the temperature is a certain speed and the snow lasts for a certain amount of time, but we all know that a blizzard is a blizzard is a blizzard and the bullshit weather we’ve had for the last two days is a blizzard) hitting before Thanksgiving, there is a heaviness about me. A heaviness that doesn’t come from deep fried pickles.

Ultimately, I’m scared. I’m scared that this will be the winter I can’t deal with the sadness and the exhaustion. That this will be the winter I’ll have to go back to medications. That I won’t be able to get away to a sunny place with palm trees and (preferably) waves crashing on a nearby shore. That I’ll be stuck looking out a frosty window at a gray sky and a bleak (if quite striking) landscape. That I won’t get the projects done in our home that I wanted to get done when I had energy and drive in the summer.

Is the fear of anxiety worse than actual anxiety? Does anxiety about depression lead to depression? I don’t know. I don’t know much of anything, really. I just know that while you’re excited about cookies and Christmas and snow-laden branches, I’m taking a deep, deep breath and trying not to hold it until the first trickles of meltwater. I’m trying to hold it together. I’m trying to remember to live in the moment.

So I’ll apologise for not sharing your enthusiasm, but I won’t apologise for hating winter. My body – my brain – won’t let me share your joy. And my fear of where I’m going to be, mentally, in about a month and a half won’t let me.


14 responses to “Frozone”

  1. Alicia Butcher Ehrhardt Avatar

    You need to move – for your sanity! Out of Canada completely.

    I’m scared, too. Daughter with sleep disorder which requires a lot of sunshine and exercise (they’re trying to reset her right now – we’re in Cancun) is moving back to Troy NY, pretty close to Canada. She wants to be around her friends, but I KNOW it’s going to be bad – their winters are far worse than ours.

    You can’t tell anybody anything. She plans to relocate to the American Southwest some day – if she survives. She loves NY city – but she’s fighting biology every minute.

    1. cenobyte Avatar

      I couldn’t handle a city with a bunch of high-rises. I lose my ordinals!

      I think I could live in Cancun veeeeerrrry easily.

      1. Alicia Butcher Ehrhardt Avatar

        Lots of Canadians here, I think.

        They like Puerto Vallarta’s Grand Palladium, too.

  2. melistress Avatar

    I hear you. But I’m the opposite and apparently the minority. I don’t get excited about winter but I live with dread of the spring and the inevitable summer. I spend my days trying to make everything as dark and cool as possible and usually want to crawl out of my own skin. Then there is the accompanying anxiety and depression and the physical crap my body does to me. Summer SAD is a thing and all I can really do is try and hide. I’m sorry your illness causes the same anxiety mine does. It sucks.

    1. cenobyte Avatar

      I don’t think I’ve ever felt like I want to crawl out of my skin. I just want to disappear. For me, the anxiety comes with the seasonal change (and it’s really a very mild anxiety) and the excitement about it. The shortened days and weak sunlight cause less of a crawly thing and more of a complete disintegration of my energy level, drive, goals, and ‘gumption’. I actually don’t want to hide; I want to surround myself with people, but I don’t have the energy to make that happen.

      Anyway, the details aren’t important. I was kind of just reacting to someone giving me the gears about how I shouldn’t have bad feelings about winter because I live in Saskatchewan.

      1. melistress Avatar

        Yeah.I have all of that and want to crawl out of my own skin and anxiety. I am fortunate enough though that it really is a short season for me compared to the length of yours. That being said, I don’t look forward to winter either. Love to you. <3

        1. cenobyte Avatar

          I wish I could find an appropriate “puke” emoji. Er. To refer to mental illness, not to reply to you.

  3. Molly Avatar

    I have s.a.d. as well and i use just about every day from september to may. Whether or not it helps is a moot point but at least i can see my sewing better! I share your feeling about winter – the dark, the cold, the dark,mthe snow, the dark and the cabin fever…aaarrgh. But as you say, live in the moment, right?
    My father once went to bed in november and got up in april….i sometimes feel he had the right approach to winter…

    1. cenobyte Avatar

      My challenge with the lamps (and I love the effect they can have on me) is that pretty much all fluorescent lights make me pretty sick. Migraines and nausea and the whole nine yards. I’m trying to figure out how to construct a therapeutic lamp from non-fluorescent lights that will provide sufficient lux/lumen to actually be therapeutic. I’m considering UV therapy this year.

      Your dad totally did have the right approach.

  4. Blondi Blathers (@blondiblathers) Avatar

    Ooh, sorry to hear this, C. That’s rough, and not a problem I’ve ever had. I used to hate winter because I didn’t dress properly for it; d’uh, it took me several decades to “catch on” and now I’m fine with it and try to get out every day, no matter how cold or windy. My mother-in-law and a close friend both suffer with SAD, which I’m thankful is not one of my current life challenges. I’ll be pulling for you this winter. Have courage! I know you do, what am I saying.

  5. arnisador Avatar

    preach sista. SAD is an issue here as well. HATE winter. But love autumn…not that we got any yet :P

    1. cenobyte Avatar

      I’m SUPER torn on autumn. It smells so good and it’s so pretty, but it’s often cold and damp and around here it lasts for about three days.

  6. Ben Avatar

    I go through something similar every winter. It was especially bad two years ago when Halifax got walloped with a lot of snow (and the city had some issues with sidewalk clearing); it may have been compounded by a few other things I had going on at that time, but the darkness and cold certainly did not help things.

    1. cenobyte Avatar

      Two years ago was super hard for me too. It was a long, cold, dreary winter.

i make squee noises when you tell me stuff.

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