CFL Coaches: A Pictoral Essay

This will be the first in a seven- or eight-post series dedicated to the fine coaches of the Canadian Football League. I decided to do this series as a photo essay when I was watching the football and began seeing striking resemblences between certain CFL coaches and folks..well…what looked like them.

Now, it should be said, if you don’t follow CFL football, um, well I don’t really understand why you wouldn’t, but you never know how many times the clowns have skittered out of your closet in the middle of the night to suck the breath from your nostrils, so I guess you can’t be blamed for that. Anyway, the point I’m trying to make here is that the CFL is quite a lot different from the NFL (and I should point out here that “CFL” stands for “Canadian Football League” and “NFL” means “National Football League”. NFL is played in the “New Nighted States”, as Yours Truly used to call the USA).

First, there are only eight teams in the CFL, which is few enough that I can name them all here, for posterity:
British Columbia Lions
Edmonton Eskimos
Calgary Stampeders
Saskatchewan Roughriders
Winnipeg Blue Bombers
Toronto Argonauts
Hamilton Ti(ger)-Cats
Montreal Alouettes

There is talk in Ottawa about them starting up another team. They used to have a bunch of rag-tag vagabonds running around there called the “Rough Riders”, but they wouldn’t know a real football team if it slapped them in the arse. Plus, they went broke. Then they came back for a season or two as the Ottawa Renegades. And then they went broke. So now, there’s talk in Ottawa about building a new stadium. Which means they’re also talking about bring back a ninth CFL team, which can only, IMO, be a good thing. To be honest, I think we need some Eastern teams. I mean, would it seriously be impossible for Halifax to throw together a team?

Anyway. So the CFL is tiny, compared to the NHL (which has 32 teams). Also, there is WAAAAAAAAY more money in the NFL, so sometimes, the coaches, particularly of the more winninger teams (ie – not the Buffalo Bills), and certainly the players, attain some degree of notoriety.

Not so in the CFL. You might watch football for an entire season and still have no concrete idea of what the coach for your favourite team looks like. This photo essay is meant to be a helping guideline for you so that you can learn to recognise the CFL coaches if you see them downtown selling newspapers or used sports equipment to raise money for their team (The Saskatchewan Roughriders are a community-owned team; you can actually buy shares in the team. I’m not sure how many others are, but that’s part of the reason why we bitch so much when they don’t do well; it’s like sending your kid to college and realising he’s majoring in the Department of Beer and Bongs).

So. We’ll start on the west coast. Oh the left of the screen, you will see the coach. Beside that, you will see the coach’s look-alike. Then, later on, there will be a quiz.

This is Wally Buono. He is the coach of the BC Lions.	This is John Gotti. He is a Mobster*. A dead mobster.

Wally Buono                                                                          John Gotti

Once again, that was:

Wally Buono                                                                          John Gotti

For those of you who do not know who John Gotti was, here is, perhaps, a more relevant comparison:

This is Wally Buono. He is the coach of the BC Lions.	This is Fat Tony. He is a Cartoon Mobster* on the Simpsons.

Wally Buono                                                                  Fat Tony

I should also point out that although the similarity is striking, there is an easy way to ensure you will not become confused as to who is who: Fat Tony is a PRETEND guy. He’s a draw’ring’, if you will. Wally Buono is very much real, and he has the cutest facial expressions. Usually when his team is doing worse than he thinks it ought to.

Thus endeth the lesson.

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*Note: No mobsters were harmed in the making of this post. Also: This post in no way infers or implies that Wally Buono *is* a mobster, or that he undertakes any kind of similar behaviours. Merely that he resembles a mobster. Also, all photos used in this series are free-use images and they have not been in any way altered.