To My Boyfriends

I love you all. You know that, because I tell you all the time.

Buddy Holly, you were my first boyfriend. Coincidentally, you were also my first dead boyfriend. You know what? I’m not going to harp on little imperfections like not having a pulse.

What can I say to you, Johnny Depp? Oh! A little lower, please.

Gary Oldman, I never wanted to have to do this, but…it’s just not working out. I will always think fondly of you, and we’ll always have Sid and Nancy. I just…I’ve moved on. And really, what did you expect? You haven’t returned my calls in years. And, since you’ll probably ask anyway (yes, I do know you that well), I AM seeing someone else. Hugh Laurie. He and I share a birthday (on the BEST DAY OF THE YEAR), and, well…he’s FUNNY, Gary. He plays piano. Have you even ever SEEN his work with Stephen Fry? Yeah. Well. Not to mention in Blackadder. I think it’s hilarious, for the record, that someone who played predominantly awkward twits in Britain is cast as a brilliant dickhead in the States. Anyway, Gary Oldman…that’s why you haven’t heard from me lately. It’s because I’m with Hugh Laurie now. If y’all feel the need to engage in an EPIC CAGE-MATCH BATTLE over me, let me know. I’ll wear something more comfortable.

I know you and I have known about each other for a long time, Keith Moon, but it’s really been in the last couple of years that we’ve been getting serious about each other. And, just let me say, you make me *very happy*.

Wolverine, you’re beautiful. No one could ever replace you. And that thing you can do in Yoga because of your skeleton made of SOLID ADAMANTIUM…well, this public forum isn’t the place, but suffice it to say…wow.

You and I have spent many, many sleepless nights together, Neil Gaiman, and I think it’s obvious to everyone that as my International Literary Boyfriend, you have quite a big responsibility in our relationship. I’m not difficult to please, as you know; just remember, I’m not going to kick you out of bed for eating crackers, so please bring the tasty onion-flavoured ones next time you’re by.

Robert Kroetsch and Donald Sutherland, as my Canadian Literary and Canadian Performing Arts Boyfriends, I expect the two of you to get along. Donald, just sit nicely while Robert reads; Robert, Donald would do a Wonderful treatment of voicing your work. Also, I think both of you do the chess?

Now, the main reason I’ve mentioned all of you is because i have something to tell you. It shouldn’t surprise you, and it certainly doesn’t change anything between us.

His Nibs is pretty much unsurpassingly awesome. I love hanging out with him (you’ll know that, Keith and Johnny, because you’ve spent time with us together. **Think what you will, dear reader.**), and he pretty much rocks. Even when he’s being a jerk, I love him. You know when you have friends and they get in to a new relationship, and they’re all annoying and smoodgy and snuggly and disgustingly cheerful all over the place? Yeah. Well. I kind of turn in to a brainless teenage girl around His Nibs most of the time. Until he pisses me off.

Anyway, yeah. Doesn’t change anything. I just wanted to make sure you understand that while I love each and every one of you, His Nibs is my HUSBAND.

We can still make out, though.







2 responses to “To My Boyfriends”

  1. So... Avatar

    Rather than a Cage Match, wouldn’t you prefer Oldman and Laurie in a make-out contest? Just saying.

  2. cenobyte Avatar

    I would not say no to being part of a make-out contest, as long as I get to be the judge…

i make squee noises when you tell me stuff.

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