1) If my name was Fink *Anything*, much less “Fink Harmony”, I would not be sending emails to people I do not know. Particularly if the gist of your email is about how you are having “male problems”, because I’m pretty sure your “male problems” have less to do with erectile dysfunction than they do with your being a dude called Fink who sends emails to people he doesn’t know. Fink.

2) The expression “do you have ants in your pants”? Is most often used by people who have not had ants in their pants. Ants in your pants is not a fun thing to have, although I have it on fairly good authority from my friend Drang that it is also Not Fun to have ferrets in your pants. I mean, one ferret, sure. That’s kind of cute. But four ferrets is a ferret too far. Or possibly three ferrets past the acceptable number in the pants-to-ferrets ratio. I also suspect it depends what the ferret(s) is/are DOING in your pants. According to Drang,they were ‘scuffling around and fighting with each other’, which would make *me* nervous, and I haven’t got *nearly* as many…appendages…with which ferrets might footle. Back to the ants, though. Having been a person who has, indeed, had ants in her pants, I can say with a fair degree of certainty that they choose the most *interesting* spots to bite. And then they crawl off somewhere where you can’t find them until you remove said pants.

That’s the thing about the age-old ferrets-in-pants v. ants-in-pants argument: It’s WAY easier to know where the ferrets are getting to when they’re in your pants than it is to know whence the ants have run to hide. 

3) It doesn’t matter how rich you are, or what kind of an amazing, fancy car you have. If you leave the lights on, your battery will die. EVEN in a Porsche. EVEN in a Ferrari. EVEN, dare I say, in a Volkswagen Thing. Man, I love those cars…you know that song by Janis Joplin? Well, she didn’t WRITE it, but she did a fine version of it…lessee…I have it around here somewhere. Oh yes, here it is:

That’s a good song. But if it was “Oh Lord, won’t you buy me a Volkswagen Thing”, it would be a BETTER song. Particularly if it inspired someone to buy *me* a Volkswagen Thing.

4) If the only argument against the existence of God were: “Mosquitoes”, I might be more inclined to agree. 

5) When you’re walking your ENORMOUS greyhound and your useless chihuahua, and your wife is walking the child in the stroller, might I suggest you walk *on the sidewalk* so that people who are backing out of their driveways can see you coming? If you’re walking in the street *against the flow of traffic*, it’s difficult to see you. Just thought I’d mention that. Sorry for almost hitting you this morning. It was totally my fault, and if I’d have hurt you, or your beasties, or your child in a stroller, I’d never forgive myself. I only saw you at the last minute, which is why I had that look on my face, because I checked the sidewalk and I checked for oncoming traffic, but I didn’t check the middle of the street. My bad.

6) Note from Captain Dan: Do not eat popcorn or raspberry yoghurt before a dental visit. 

7) Someone, somewhere is capping the market on ugly sundresses. If you’re not sure if “that’s your colour”, chances are good it isn’t. And the bubble thing? It was *never* attractive, not even when people thought it was in style in the 90s.






i make squee noises when you tell me stuff.

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