Have you a one-handed child?

This is the pinnacle of raising a family. This, right here. This thing that happened to me just last week. Technically, I suppose it happened to the entire family.

It was cold last week. The west wind was bitter, biting. I was home, having had a tooth ripped out of my face. So it fell to me to get the urchins* off to school. And because it was chilly, I encouraged the urchins to wear their winter coats and mittens. Or, more accurately, winter coats and gloves, because mittens, you understand, are Lame.

We rummaged about in the hats-and-mitts box, of which the mitts side has not been touched since April. We found four pairs of gloves. Brand new last February. I remember purchasing them. But to be entirely accurate, we didn’t find four *matching* pairs of gloves. We found four left-handed gloves.

Four identical, brand new (or mostly so) left-handed gloves.

No right-handed gloves anywhere in the house.

Now, I’m not sure if gloves can be trans-handed, as it were. Which is to say, if gloves had gender (which, I admit readily, they do not, as least as far as I’m aware), would it be possible for a single glove*** to be created in the wrong gender (or, if you will, handedness)? Would it FURTHER be possible, over a period of, say five or six months for that same glove to *change* genders (handedness)?

Because that’s the only logical explanation I can think of for this happenstance. There were *actual* pairs of gloves in the hats-and-mitts box in April. Now they’ve all changed their handedness to left. Well, okay, technically, only HALF of them have changed their handedness to left. The others started out left handed. One can assume.

*Please understand here that ‘urchins’ is meant to refer to actual children, with whom I share genetic material, and indeed who both sprung, fully formed (albeit much, much smaller, and with very spongy, very smooth brains) from my womb. It is a term of endearment. Although some urchins** are venomous.

**Here, understand I mean *actual* urchins. Not my children. My children are not venomous. Although, it probably wouldn’t be a good idea to allow my children to bite you. God only knows what goes on in their mouths.

***Understand I mean single as in ‘singular’, not as in ‘not dating anyone’. I’m not being judgemental in terms of the dating habits of gloves, nor am I making a value statement about whether gloves ought to be or ought not to be in committed or semi-committed relationships.






6 responses to “Have you a one-handed child?”

  1. miscriss Avatar

    Once upon a time, many, many moons ago, a young man named Aidan tucked his remaining fur mitt into a desk drawer, meaning to find its mate or toss it later.

    Spring…summer…fall…and young Aidan opens the drawer…only to find a complete pair of mitts where once only a single remained. Did it propagate? Clone? Reproduce asexually? Not sure, but young Aidan had warm fingers all winter long.

    :) True story.

    1. cenobyte Avatar

      That’s fucking bizarre.

    2. cenobyte Avatar

      mitt-fucking bizarre, to be precise. But not Mitt-fucking bizarre. That’s only for donkeys and whores.

    3. Aidan Avatar

      True story

  2. Aidan Avatar

    Also the word you are looking for is “Chirality”

  3. KayJay Avatar

    That is nutters.
    My dad has always had an issue with only having left handed gloves when he needs a matched pair. It’s a crazy, crazy thing.

i make squee noises when you tell me stuff.

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