Hallmark

The hallmark of being an “adult” is that when you’re having a seriously homicidal day, you don’t choose to cry so hard you gag on your own spit because the universe isn’t aligning itself with your own intense narcissism. In fact, the hallmark of being an “adult” is really leaving narcissism behind you. That’s the sort of thing that’s a little bit cute in children under the age of 12; it’s expected, feared, and cursed from 13 – 20; and some of us grow out of it in our 20s. Or rather, those of us who are “fully cooked” get the crap over ourselves and move on to bigger and better things.

However.

There are days, like today, when we spend our entire day surfing in an enormous bubble of self-pity precisely because we have an overinflated sense of importance. It takes an awful lot to convince ourselves on days like today that we’re just not that fucking important. That the universe does not, in fact, revolve around us, nor does the world, the country, the neighbourhood, or the employer owe us a goddamned thing. We have to batten down the hatches and take one on the chin for all well-adjusted people everywhere.

Sure, we might be having vivid fantasies about flame throwers and those wickedly serrated hunting knives. We might be imagining people around us boiling in oil, or being shot out of a canon into the Arctic sea. We might be thinking about how lovely mushroom clouds look, and wondering about the amount of c4 and det cord it might take to make our days better (answer: there isn’t enough c4 and/or det cord in the entire world for days like this).

Really, all I want to do is throw a proper temper tantrum and make the lives of everyone around me as miserable as possible. I want to make every single person who’s wronged me feel guilt and shame and absolutely shite for wronging me. I want to whine and mope and feel sorry for myself because Things have gone Badly today. I want to throw my coffee cup through the window. I want to ram my van into the arsehole who can’t see more than one lane. I think I may actually want to drown my own children.

All I can think of right now, at this VERY moment is how much I want to wash my hair. Because if I think anything other than that, right now, at this very moment, I’m afraid I’m going to seriously lose my shit and end up in prison. So I’ll be in the tub if you need me.