Words of Wisdom


Here are some things I learned this past weekend that will most likely serve me well for the rest of my life:

  1. When choosing a “safe word”, choose one with as few syllables as possible. Anything more than two is probably just a bad idea all around. Also-too, don’t choose a “safe word” that is easily rhymed with. In fact, “orange” is probably the best safe word around.
  2. In communist Russia, thesaurus changes *you*.
  3. Sometimes, Easter imagery is just Easter imagery. Sometimes, it’s a pedophile gnome. Corollary: if you can’t tell the difference between a doberman pinscher and a bull, you probably shouldn’t enter any dog shows.
  4. The best thing about the Navy is not the artillery; it’s the shoes.
  5. If you’re at a pageant where the contestants can’t spell ‘pageant’, and you can’t decide whether you prefer dark meat or light meat, it’s best just to ask.

Also: all of the best friends in the universe have been taken. By me. Sorry, y’all.


7 responses to “Words of Wisdom”

  1. i believe i should say that i learned mostly the same things as you. One thing additionally that *I* learned.

    Absinth tastes like hate and burning. It should be consumed properly. The “green fairy” might be best left unpursued.

  2. I was offered no such “tempered malice”. All I was offered was “flaming,licorice hate with emergency spit aftertaste.”

    And for your own records *I* have the bestest friends in the world.

  3. Corrections…

    The best thing about the Navy is the bitchin’ hat you get to wear if you’re an officer.

    The worst thing about the Navy is the children’s cap you get to wear if you’re NOT an officer.

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