Stealing Schtick

In true paranoid fashion, I have become convinced that John Gormley is stealing my thoughts.

You might wonder: “Why do you think John Gormely is stealing your thoughts?”

The easy answer is, because he is. Duh.

Which may lead you to ask, “Yes, but why would John Gormley steal your thoughts?”

Because they’re mine, of course. Because he desperately wishes to be as cool as me. Because he NEEDS my thoughts, baby; someone else has got to his.

“Ooookay…do you have any EMPIRICAL EVIDENCE that might support your delusional thinking?” You might say.

Evidence? I have REAMS of evidence.

“Such as?”

Well, I don’t know if I should tell you.

“Why not?”

Well why are you so interested? I mean, what’s it to you?

You’d probably sigh heavily at this point and say something like: “Look. You brought it up. I’m only trying to understand.”

Who put you up to this? Did Murray Wood send you?

Then you’d just kind of stare at me, and shake your head slowly.

And I’d shout: “Don’t JUDGE ME! It’s not my fault John Gormley is stealing my thoughts! Rawlco radio put a transmitter chip in my head on Saturday when I was golfing with one of their employees! They wouldn’t let me wear my tinfoil hat on the golf course!”

And you’d nod, somewhat encouragingly, and maybe glance to the side, a little nervous.

Then, wide-eyed, I’d point with a shaky finger to this very bournal. And I might even point out that the last couple of things I’ve talked about, Gormley has followed up with a whole bunch of airtime.


cenobyte is a writer, editor, blogger, and super genius from Saskatchewan, Canada.


i make squee noises when you tell me stuff.

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