Some things are better left unsaid

However, I’m going to say them.

This summer, I let a lady do an “Angel Card” reading for me.

First, let’s just assume that you know, and that I know, I have a tendency at times to be a bit of a fruitcake.

Second, whatever your thoughts on the accuracy of tarot, I Ching, scrying, automatic writing, dream travel, and/or organised religion, let me just say that I do try (at times) to be tolerant of, if not interested in, many different kinds of (what you may consider to be) fruitcakery. I find many kinds of fruitcakery interesting.

Now. Back to the point. This summer, a lady did an “Angel Card” reading for Yours Truly. The Lady said some things that were Interesting, and she said some things that were Ridiculous (“I know the names of your guardian angels! [insert several cthonic-sounding garbles here]”), and some things that I’m sure she says to everyone. But this post isn’t about fortune-telling. It’s a post of admonition.

HORSES, ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls…HORSES are not guardian angels. Neither are cats. IF (and I say IF in capital letters here) guardian angels exist, and IF they are particularly interested in the, let’s be honest, dorky and mundane lives we lead, I ask you: how the hell could angels with no thumbs be of any assistance at all? Listen, I’m all for having mysterious ethereal heebie-jeebies looking out for our best interests. Personally, I’d like to have Dorothy Parker as my guardian angel, but I’m not sure she’d meet the requirements. In fact, I’d like to have Stephen Hawking as my guardian angel, but then there’s that thumbs thing again.

What I mean is, it’s all well and good for nebulous masses of nearly-nothing to just about in the eeeeeether and watch out for your best interests, but how exactly does this happen? Do your guardian angels wage a gynormous battle with each other in the eeeeeether, with their magic super-powers and their thumbless melee? If you’re about to make a Stunningly Bad Decision, does your guardian angel kick you in the proverbial chakra? Does it whisper “back off, numbnuts” in your ear? Do you get the sensation that someone is rubbing your face with a cheese grater dipped in whiskey?

Look, I don’t know how these things work. And I don’t particularly care. But the idea that a wolf, or a horse, or a bloody UNICORN (who are all *extinct*, so how could they be your GUARDIAN ANGEL? They don’t even KNOW YOU) be your guardian angel? Huh? How? Wolves are WILD ANIMALS. They’d just as soon tear the arse off the next guardian angel in the eeeeeether than they would protect you from your own worst efforts of self-sabotage. Cats don’t even care when they’re ALIVE whether you make good decisions or bad decisions, as long as you feed them. And horses?

Sure, they might prance about and be noble, dedicated creatures. Sure, they’re good work animals and are useful as war animals. They’re dedicated, fierce, kind, noble, intelligent, and all that jazz. But have you seen the amount that they PEE!? Do you *really* want all that guardian urine all over your personal chakra’s eeeeeether? And do you know how BIG horses are? Have you ever even SEEN a horse? In person? What’s a horse going to say to your chakra? “NEIGH! NEIGH! NEIGH NEIGH WHINNY!”

Then you’ll be all, “that’s just great, eeeeether-horse-guardian angel. Thanks for the information.”

And your horse guardian angel would be all, “WHINNY! WHINNY!”

And you’ll be all, “That doesn’t even make SENSE.”

And your horse guardian angel would stamp its hooves and snort at you. THEN you’d be covered in angel snot, and where would you be?

Well. You see where I’m going with this.

Let’s leave the guardian angel business to REAL ANGELS, okay? It’s kind of their job. Theoretically.