It’s been….

I dreamt of you last night. We were in the garage in your home town, sitting on an old brown couch with a bunch of our friends. Your sister was there – in fact it was her I was visiting, dropping off some of your abandoned things and collecting some of my own. A few discs, my old books, a scarf.

Then you showed up with your lover. We weren’t expecting you home, your family and I, and it was uncomfortable. Mostly I just wanted to leave so that you could get on with your life but it had been so long since I’d seen your date that I thought it would be best if we at least had a few minutes to catch up.

IMG_7787.JPGI tried to be nice, accommodating. I tried to stay out of your way. On the surface it was because I knew you just didn’t want to be near me, but deep underneath all the bravado and posturing it was because seeing you hurt. I couldn’t look at you because it hurt so much. And we hadn’t even been lovers.

You kept glaring at me until finally it was too unbearable. I rose to leave and made my farewells. I quietly said goodbye to you, looking away. “I talked to a few people from your past, you know,” you said. Your voice was clipped, your mouth hard-set.

“Pardon?” These were the first words you’d spoken to me in so long. I wasn’t prepared.

“Yeah. Chan told me all about how you treated him. I talked to Vin too, and Marie. I know your MO. You’re not as clever as you think you are.”


“Don’t try to argue. That’ll just make you look even more pathetic. Just go. Leave me and my family alone. You’re a horrible person, and I’m sad I ever let you sucker me in to whatever that was.”

I opened my mouth; I was going to apologise, not argue. I knew you were right. I’d tried to apologise so many times, but some things can’t be fixed.

I woke knowing we are so far apart, even further than the distance between us. I woke with the sound of your voice resonant in my ears. Even though I knew I had done everything I could do, I woke thinking I should have done more.

What a shitty morning.






One response to “It’s been….”

  1. Alicia Butcher Ehrhardt Avatar

    Not a comfortable dream.

    I seem to finally have stopped having the one where I go back to work on a temporary basis, and everyone wonders where I’ve been, and I don’t fit in, and don’t know anything, including why I should know.

    And the other one, where I ask HER what happened to the HIM she stole and married – are they still together? How is he? And never get an answer. Which is weird, because, though she was my friend, I don’t miss HER. Just HIM. I wish I knew he was okay. Haven’t had that much lately – maybe I finally grew up.

    Unresolved stuff makes your brain do this? And every once in a while you remember it when you wake up?

    I have even tried mild versions of trying to fix the second one, by asking our third roommate (who doesn’t remember and hasn’t kept track of HER). Or Facebook. Nothing. So unresolved feels wrong.

    Yours sounds like a doozy.

i make squee noises when you tell me stuff.

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