In Which

In Which Stephen Hawking phoned me last night: he was Very Concerned about my water filtration service. I thought it was odd that Stephen Hawking would be so concerned about my water filtration service, since it was not he who installed it. Nonetheless, he asked me several questions about the system, the service call we’d recently had done, and our overall impressions of the water filtration system company.

Keep your eyes peeled for some Grand Water Filtration System Unification Theory. That dude is SMART. Although you’d never have known it from the way he was phrasing his questions – must have had an undergrad write them.

In Which the Canadian government is being totally hypocritical … FOR A CHANGE: Television broadcasters in Canada are In Trouble. They’re thinking they might have to move out, go to visit an aunt in Calgary for about nine months and when they return, they’ll have dark circles under their eyes and fabulous hair. But rather than send them away, the Canadian government has decided that it will…okay wait. Before I get in to this, I want to make a point or two.

Point the First: The Canadian government currently calls itself “Conservative”. Usually, “Conservatives” are allergic to socialism and Great Equalisers. They want no one to have the same as anyone, and believe that It Is Okay to run a country so that the people who have the most never have to come in to contact with people who have nothing. They are not really so much about making things equal. Particularly this government, who decided to do away with the Royal Commission on the Status of Women. Oh wait, they didn’t *do away with it*; they just cut most of the funding. Or said they were going to. They’ve also done things like do away with any motivation for some kind of National Daycare Program, choosing instead to give $100 to families for each child under 6 living in the house. Enough about how they don’t like to make things equal.

Point the Second: The Canadian government likes to talk big about how it supports independent business and how government should get out of the business of business and concentrate on government.

Now. The Canadian Government saw that many smaller television stations in the country are In Trouble. So, in these times of difficult economic dwindles and thrusts, the Canadian Government has decided they will …how does that expression go… oh yes. Rob Peter to pay Paul.

In Which cenobyte makes dinner:
The Captain (in a Whiny, Petulant Voice, all the way from the sitter’s): “What are we having for supper?”
cenobyte, vigorously: “Turkey brains!” or “Pinecones!” or “Sauteed midget!”
The Captain and The Nipper, at home: “What’s for supper?”
cenobyte, filling one pot with water: “Noodles!”
cenobyte places another pot on her head.
“Uh. Mum?”
cenobyte, in a totally neutral tone: “Yes?”
“Um. Why…” stares intently at cenobyte for a moment. “Why are you wearing a pot on your head?”
cenobyte scoffs. “Pot!!?? POT?? This, SON, is a HELMET. We must always observe the Canadian Food Guide’s Recommendations for Cookery Safety. At ALL TIMES.”
The Nipper shakes his head. “Mum. That really is a pot.”
“Oh ye of little faith.”
“Moo-oommm. You can TELL it’s a POT because it has a big sticky-outy handle.”
cenobyte glances up at the big sticky-outy handle. “Oh. You appear to be right.” Replacing the pot on the hangar, she retrieves the steel colander. “THIS is my helmet. Remember: Safety first!”
“Mum, that …thingy… doesn’t have any padding. If something hit you in the head…”
“SUCH AS A METEOR!??” cenobyte shouts, interrupting, which is a Big No.
“Uh. Sure. Such as a meteor…if something hit you in the head, you’d still get hurt because there’s no padding in there.”
Cenobyte pads off to the living room and retrieves a leather fringed purse she purchased as a costume. She places it on her head so that the fringe falls down across her face, then replaces the steel colander and ties it under her chin with a shoelace.

Now the children are *really* staring. Cenobyte grabs a handful of uncooked spaghetti.
“Yes, son?”
“What. Are you doing?”
“Safety first.”
“No,” The Captain says, staring.
“The SPAGHETTI!” The Nipper shouts. “What are you doing with that spaghetti?”
cenobyte stares at her children. “Making antennae. Duh. I have to be able to communicate with Command. How else will I know when the meteor is about to strike?”
The boys stare, open-mouthed, at cenobyte.
“Really weird.” The Nipper contributes.
“No! That’s BRILLIANT!” The Captain shouts.

cenobyte grabs a large steel spoon off the wall. She holds it to her mouth. “This is cenobyte, man on the street. I’m here interviewing The Captain, for your Man on the Street update. The Captain? What are your feelings about meteors?” cenobyte shoves the spoon in The Captain’s face.
“Uh. Meteors are huge balls of frozen space debris that cruise through the universe at incredible speeds?”
“Pffft.” Says cenobyte. “How long until TOTAL ANNIHILATION occurs, due to meteors?”
“Um. Never?”
“There you have it. The Captain believes we have Nothing To Worry About. As for me, I’m wearing a helmet, so I’m Perfectly Safe.”

Moments later, The Nipper grabs the spoon and wanders around the kitchen shoving it in our faces. “What do you think about meteors?” he hollers. “WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT DINOSAURS!!???”
“Hi my name is cenobyte and I think dinosaurs will someday be destroyed by meteors thank you very much GO RIDERS!!!”

Again with the staring.

THAT was a good night.






6 responses to “In Which”

  1. cottonwoodgal Avatar

    Don’t know why you didn’t use a hockey helmet! I’m sure you have several of those around the house with the season over….it would have satisfied the need for protection without resorting to leather.

  2. Silent Winged Coyote Avatar
    Silent Winged Coyote

    Yeah but CBC is fair in their coverage of political events and they can buy the right story from the private folks, so all told it makes sense to them. And I love the helmet, I have a similar one but it’s plastic cuz metal makes me pick up the alien signals stronger. And I got no purse to use as a signal buffer.

  3. Big Score Avatar
    Big Score

    *snerk* Dude, your fambly is awesome. :)

  4. Der Kaptin Avatar
    Der Kaptin

    It seemed pretty clear to me that you said you were cooking noodles so instead of putting noodles in the pot, you put the pot on your noodle. And then with the whole meteors thing — way overdone. A quiet meal of cenobyte noodle and spaceballs would be nutricious, delitious. Which leads me to the revelation, for those of you who don’t already know, of the most joyous news — one of Starchild and Kaptin’s *fave* kidbooks of all time is now coming out as a movie — “Cloudy With A Chance of Meatballs.” Show up with your yappetite. Napkins, I assume, will be provided.

  5. cenobyte Avatar

    I should just make it abundantly clear that when i say i purchased a leather-fringed purse “as a costume”, what I *really* meant was “as a costume accessory”. It’s not THAT big a purse.

  6. Melistress Avatar

    You are seriously the best mom ever. It is a rare gem who actually knows how to play with her kids.

i make squee noises when you tell me stuff.

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