America, I can solve your problems

After nearly a week of being at home with the Coughing Palsy or pleurisy or something, I have completed a comprehensive survey of American socio-political culture*. I have decided that I can make life much better for Americans. Remember: I have GOOD IDEAS! If you are a Yankee, all you have to do to improve life for EVERYONE IN YOUR COUNTRY is follow these simple instructions:

  1. Do not own a dog. If your neighbour owns a dog, assume they are Canadian and stay far away.
  2. Do not drive a car. The people who run public transportation have insurance so that you don’t need to get it. Take the money you would normally spend on a car and insurance, and buy health insurance instead.
  3. Do not live with roommates. Unless you manage to find a Canadian willing to live with you. Preferably a Canadian without a dog.
  4. Do not lend money to your boyfriend/girlfriend/sister/brother/mother/father/in-laws…or anyone else. This should have legislation brought against it; it should be illegal to lend money to anyone. For any reason. Ever.
  5. If you need repairs done to your home or other property, get referrals and don’t pay for work that hasn’t been done. In fact, just get a Canadian to do work for you. They’re very honest. Except for Stephen Harper. Do not contract Stephen Harper to do work for you. You can tell it’s Stephen Harper if he’s saying stupid things. Stephen Harper isn’t the *only* Canadian who says stupid things, of course. If your Canadian is saying stupid things, it’s probably hungry. Or Stephen Harper.
  6. Never, ever give someone cash money, unless you’re in a retail environment. Cash should be illegal for anything other than coffee and prostitutes.

Follow these simple six rules, and your American life will improve EXPONENTIALLY.

*My sources are primarily judge tv shows. Actually, my sources are *exclusively* judge tv shows.





2 responses to “America, I can solve your problems”

  1. Viper Pilot Avatar

    7. If you live in a place for six years (Iraq, for instance), maybe learn to say it properly. It’s ‘eer-ak’, not ‘eye-rak’, for poop’s sake.

  2. cenobyte Avatar

    Oooo. Good one! Did you learn that from watching judge tv also?

i make squee noises when you tell me stuff.

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