Here are some things I learned this past weekend that will most likely serve me well for the rest of my life:
- When choosing a “safe word”, choose one with as few syllables as possible. Anything more than two is probably just a bad idea all around. Also-too, don’t choose a “safe word” that is easily rhymed with. In fact, “orange” is probably the best safe word around.
- In communist Russia, thesaurus changes *you*.
- Sometimes, Easter imagery is just Easter imagery. Sometimes, it’s a pedophile gnome. Corollary: if you can’t tell the difference between a doberman pinscher and a bull, you probably shouldn’t enter any dog shows.
- The best thing about the Navy is not the artillery; it’s the shoes.
- If you’re at a pageant where the contestants can’t spell ‘pageant’, and you can’t decide whether you prefer dark meat or light meat, it’s best just to ask.
Also: all of the best friends in the universe have been taken. By me. Sorry, y’all.