Words of Wisdom

Here are some things I learned this past weekend that will most likely serve me well for the rest of my life:

  1. When choosing a “safe word”, choose one with as few syllables as possible. Anything more than two is probably just a bad idea all around. Also-too, don’t choose a “safe word” that is easily rhymed with. In fact, “orange” is probably the best safe word around.
  2. In communist Russia, thesaurus changes *you*.
  3. Sometimes, Easter imagery is just Easter imagery. Sometimes, it’s a pedophile gnome. Corollary: if you can’t tell the difference between a doberman pinscher and a bull, you probably shouldn’t enter any dog shows.
  4. The best thing about the Navy is not the artillery; it’s the shoes.
  5. If you’re at a pageant where the contestants can’t spell ‘pageant’, and you can’t decide whether you prefer dark meat or light meat, it’s best just to ask.

Also: all of the best friends in the universe have been taken. By me. Sorry, y’all.

  7 comments for “Words of Wisdom

  1. Neo
    4 January 2011 at 10:45 am

    i believe i should say that i learned mostly the same things as you. One thing additionally that *I* learned.

    Absinth tastes like hate and burning. It should be consumed properly. The “green fairy” might be best left unpursued.

    • 4 January 2011 at 10:46 am

      Pffft.
      Pantywaist.

    • 4 January 2011 at 10:48 am

      For the record, SOMEONE *did* try to offer you a sippin’ absynthe, and y’all were too busy curled in shivery foetal balls putting sawdust on your tongues to listen.

  2. Smarty Pants
    4 January 2011 at 1:14 pm

    I was offered no such “tempered malice”. All I was offered was “flaming,licorice hate with emergency spit aftertaste.”

    And for your own records *I* have the bestest friends in the world.

    • 4 January 2011 at 2:56 pm

      You’re misremembering.
      I am quite positive nothing was flaming except the navy.

      Also-too, my blog, my rules. *I* have the best friends.

  3. 4 January 2011 at 11:38 pm

    Corrections…

    The best thing about the Navy is the bitchin’ hat you get to wear if you’re an officer.

    The worst thing about the Navy is the children’s cap you get to wear if you’re NOT an officer.

  4. Smarty Pants
    5 January 2011 at 9:53 am

    The best thing about the Navy is it *isn’t* the Artillery.

i make squee noises when you tell me stuff.

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