What else is left?

You know what’s screwed up? What’s screwed up is when you decide that enough is enough, it’s time to DO something with yourself, and you start working out every morning, and your body starts doing effed up things. That’s screwy.

And by ‘effed up things’, I mean gaining a pound a day.

One may have discussed this very thing with Neo and with SWC, but none of what they have said is a) news, or b) reassuring. I KNOW muscle weighs more than fat. I KNOW your metabolism changes when you start doing regular activity. I KNOW you can retain water. But a fricken’ pound a fricken’ day? FOR TWO WEEKS?

SWC said something about something-something ‘lose a whole bunch of weight all at once’, something-something something (he kind of lost me in the beginning and end bits there, with his fancy talkin’ and his multiple choice questions). So that better happen. Seriously. Because if I keep working out every morning and just getting bigger and bigger, I’m going to end up looking like this:

And nobody wants that.

Really.

After the tongue graft and the vein implants, you’re just never the same person. And then I’d have to go and find a bunch of tapeworms to make a costume, and some kind of large bladder stone to make a necklace out of.

When I get to this point, you know, there’s just no reason to keep going. Not even yoga can save you from the popping veins and the dried-out husk of skin. In the ‘you are what you eat’ spectrum, this is really the ‘walnut shells’ stage. Nobody wants to curl up with someone who could snap your thigh in the crook of her elbow.

Okay, *some* people might want that. I am not one of those people. Sure, there’s the party trick of bouncing each of your pectoral muscles individually in time to the Village People, but that’s only going to get you through two, maybe three art openings or book launches.

cenobyte
cenobyte is a writer, editor, blogger, and super genius from Saskatchewan, Canada.

6 Comments

  1. Liars! They are all Liars! It is a conspiracy to make people sign contracts for gyms that they will stop attending after two weeks and then forget to find a way out of that contract and end up paying a monthly fee for the rest of their lives.

    That reminds me…I really need to cancel that Curves membership.

  2. That picture is disturbing. If you ever start to look even remotely like that I’ll intervention all over your ass.

    *my verification is bablings HA!

  3. Keep doing your exercise thing in the morning and do not let anything change that. Exercise is not bad for you. It is good for you in every way. Everything else is your body panicking at the dramatic change. Ignore the crazy and keep going. It will settle down.

    Be patient. Folks who declare they are not getting any benefits from exercising really mean they are not noticing sudden and shocking changes immediately. Change takes months, changing habits takes months, losing weight takes months, seeing a big change takes months. Stick with it, I promise you time doing a few hours of exercise a week cannot be better spent in the long run.

    As an aside, muscle does not weigh more than fat. Muscle takes up less area than fat as it is denser.

    It’s the kind of thing I wish my grandfather had paid attention to in his life before two strokes from a lifetime of inactivity made it impossible for him to communicate with me and imprisoned him within his own numb body while that fine, fine mind wasted away.

  4. SEE!! Jay agrees with me!

    I actually said that her body is panicing due to cut in carbs and increased activity and that once it realizes it won’t starve, that she will experience a sudden weight loss for about a week and then level out to the healthy 2 to 5 lbs a week that proper diet and exercise will provide.

    When that happens is impossible to tell so she threatened to just sit on the couch and eat chips.

    Jerk.

  5. *actually*, SWC, what I *said* was that if I’m gaining a pound a day now that I’m exercising, I should *lose* weight if all I do is sit on the couch and eat chips and **drink beer**. The drinking beer is essential, I think.

    It’s not that I was expecting a sudden change. Quite the opposite, in fact. But I ended up *getting* a sudden change – my weight skyrocketed! I’ve gained ten pounds now, and that is making me Very Angry.

    That being said, I was able to do a four-minute run today, which I haven’t been able to do for years. It was *staggeringly* painful, but I did it.

    Also, SWC, I don’t know if you’d be so encouraging if you knew the biggest impetus for my sudden desire to sweat.

    Also too, thank you for the supportive thoughts and comments. I *hate* doing stuff that makes me sweat, unless it involves naughty bits or hip circles. Those two are not mutually exclusive, I realise. Oh. Or a pool. Again, not mutually exclusive.

i make squee noises when you tell me stuff.

Optimization WordPress Plugins & Solutions by W3 EDGE
%d bloggers like this: