This really happened at The Bay

Cast of Characters:
Senior Vice President
Advertising Executive
Marketing Director
Junior Assistant to the Marketing Director’s undersecretary

INT: OFFICE MEETING ROOM

The large room is extravagantly decorated in carved mahogany and oak trim. Lights hang from the high, pressed tin ceiling, casting diffuse light on the enormous oak table that fills the room. Oak armchairs are pushed in around the table. SENIOR VICE PRESIDENT, MERCHANDISE EXECUTIVE, and MARKETING DIRECTOR occupy three chairs at the far end of the table. JUNIOR ASSISTANT TO MARKETING DIRECTOR’S UNDERSECRETARY stands near the refreshments table at the other end of the room. Bright sunlight is visible through a tiny slit in the heavy green velvet curtains. Mounted deer and moose heads, along with mounted fish, birds, and a beaver cast small shadows on the wall.

SENIOR VICE PRESIDENT
Sales were down last quarter. The third consecutive quarter. Damn this recession!

MERCHANDISE EXECUTIVE AND MARKETING DIRECTOR
Nod sympathetically, scratching something on to notepads.

JUNIOR ASSISTANT
[Pokes away at a PDA/iPhone]

SENIOR VICE PRESIDENT
I have to make a report to Mr. MacDonald later this month, and I’m not looking forward to it. I hope you have some good news for me.

MARKETING DIRECTOR
Uh…

MERCHANDISE EXECUTIVE
Actually…

SENIOR VICE PRESIDENT
Yes? Out with it, man!

MERCHANDISE EXECUTIVE
Well, we have an idea…

SENIOR VICE PRESIDENT
Yes?

MERCHANDISE EXECUTIVE
Have you ever seen a program called Three’s Company?

SENIOR VICE PRESIDENT
With Jack Tripper? And those hot babes? I LOVED that show.

MARKETING DIRECTOR
We ALL loved that show, sir.

SENIOR VICE PRESIDENT
I don’t see what that has to do with…

MERCHANDISE EXECUTIVE
Who was your favourite character on that program?

SENIOR VICE PRESIDENT
Oh, I liked the blonde with the huge bazooms!

JUNIOR ASSISTANT
[Sighs, keys something else into a PDA]

MARKETING DIRECTOR
EVERYONE likes the blonde with the huge bazooms!

SENIOR VICE PRESIDENT
I still don’t see what that has to do with…

MERCHANDISE EXECUTIVE
Well, do you remember Mr. Ferley? Mr. and Mrs. Roper? Remember how they were always

SENIOR VICE PRESIDENT, MARKETING DIRECTOR, MERCHANDISE EXECUTIVE
[simultaneously] meddling in those kids’ affairs?

[all three laugh]

MERCHANDISE EXECUTIVE
Well, here’s the pitch, sir: our new spring line is going to be a huge hit. It’s going to virtually fly off the racks!

SENIOR VICE PRESIDENT
[leans forward, cupping chin in hand] Go on.

MERCHANDISE EXECUTIVE
We call our spring line…

MARKETING DIRECTOR
Roper & Ferley!

SENIOR VICE PRESIDENT
…not getting you…

MARKETING DIRECTOR
We’ve brought pictures…

SENIOR VICE PRESIDENT
Oooh! I love pictures!

JUNIOR ASSISTANT
[Sighs again, rolls eyes.]

MARKETING DIRECTOR
[to Junior Assistant] Bring those pictures over here, would you?
[to Senior Vice President] We had them laminated.

SENIOR VICE PRESIDENT
Fancy!

MARKETING DIRECTOR
[shows 8×10 glossies of clothes that look like clown puke]

SENIOR VICE PRESIDENT
Gentlemen, it’s perfect!

JUNIOR ASSISTANT
Are you kidding me?

[all three glare at Junior Assistant]

No, seriously. That was the stupidest show ever. It was horribly misogynistic and propegated the stereotypical gender-specific myths that women were objects and men could do no wrong!

SENIOR VICE PRESIDENT
[glances at MARKETING DIRECTOR]

MARKETING DIRECTOR
[to SENIOR VICE PRESIDENT] I’m sorry sir, I…

JUNIOR ASSISTANT
Good God Almighty! I didn’t get a fucking Master’s Degree in Communications so that I could sit in this stuffy office and listen to a bunch of windbags go on about what a great idea it is to sell monstrously ugly neo-psychedelic synthetic fabrics to aging hippies and people who missed the 60s! You know what’s going to help this company? **Customer Service** is going to help this company. **Responsible management** is going to help this company. But me? I am not going to help this company. [hurls PDA at the wall, where it shatters into myriad shards. JUNIOR ASSISTANT marches out of the meeting room, swearing and gesticulating madly.]

MARKETING DIRECTOR
[staring, open-mouthed]

SENIOR VICE PRESIDENT
[glaring]

MERCHANDISE EXECUTIVE
…so if you’ll just take a look at this line we call ‘Urban Muumuu’, sir, you’ll see that we can’t go wrong!

Lights dim as MARKETING DIRECTOR, MERCHANDISE EXECUTIVE, and SENIOR VICE PRESIDENT crowd around the stacks of shiny photographs.

—–

Seriously. I can’t think of any other reason why the HBC would be selling those godawful clothes. Unless….

  5 comments for “This really happened at The Bay

  1. cenobyte
    2 February 2010 at 1:29 pm

    Hrm. I don’t think they have anything that can take a photograph of this degree of fugly without breaking a lens. My recommendation is to go to the Bay and walk through the women’s section. Take a barf bag and dark glasses.

  2. Parmeisan
    2 February 2010 at 1:29 pm

    Can we have a link to an image please? The Bay website seems reticient to actually show me any of their products.

    On the other hand, I did come across something else that might explain it…? http://www.hbc.com/hbc/mediacentre/press/hbc/press.asp?prId=351

    “This program signifies the Bay’s commitment and support to the fashion industry in Quebec – with the winner awarded a $100,000 salary position as Creative Director for The Bay along with the once in a lifetime opportunity to design the complete Fall 2009 La Collection clothing line.”

    However even if that is the case, I suspect the conversation around *that* idea wasn’t much different from the one you portrayed.

  3. Silent Winged Coyote
    2 February 2010 at 1:29 pm

    I prefer the way a boss of mine at StarTek used to put it when stupid policies or products came flying down the line.

    The Sarge: Just because it seems like retarded monkeys on crack hurling darts at a dartboard came up with this bullshit, it means nothing. Those same brain dead fucktards still sign our cheques and we’ll do what they want.

    And everytime something stupid happens, all I can think is ‘Fucking monkeys can’t stop suckin’ the glass dick.’

  4. Nowan
    2 February 2010 at 1:29 pm

    Don’t diss Three’s Company. You’ll only look stupid.

  5. cenobyte
    2 February 2010 at 1:29 pm

    Right. Because “Three’s Company” is the paragon of entertainment from the last fifty years. I’m feeling fairly confident that regardless of whether or not I “look stupid” saying it (which I’m also fairly confident I don’t), while “Three’s Company” had its moments in its early years, it was one of those shows that went on far too long, was far too mired in cheap sight gags, and really, in retrospect, had terribly, God-awfully ugly clothes.

    John Ritter was a wonderful actor, a brilliant comedian, and sometimes, the show had good writing. But really, I’m not scared to ‘look stupid’ by “dissing” a program that promotes the idea that women are either nagging harpies or stupid sex toys…that the only motivation men have is getting in to a woman’s knickers…

    Although, I’ll give it this – it certainly was a good platform for bringing gay rights to the table.

i make squee noises when you tell me stuff.

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