The Guider’s Guide to Guides or, Sock DIY Tutorial

Another thing the Internets have taught me about how to come up with ideas is that readers of blogs fully enjoy being told what to do. Which is to say, their favourite thing in the whole world is DIY sites. That means “Do It Yourself”. It could also stand for “Ducks In Yorkton“, “Dildos Instead, Yorick”, “Don’t Inhale, You”, and any number of other fun things. In fact, if you really think about it, we have no way of actually knowing what the definitive definition is of an acronym like “DIY”. But, for the sake of brevity, let’s say it means “Do It Yourself”.

I’d like to take this opportunity to point out that this is a correct use of the reflexive pronoun.

Thank you. On to your very own DIY guide.

This will be a tutorial on how to make socks. Socks are very easy. First, you need to find someone who has feet. Preferably, you want to make socks for someone whose feet are attached to their body, but amputees need socks too for their plastic legs (remind me to someday tell you about Grandpa and the Man with the Plastic Legs, if I haven’t already, because it’s pretty funny), I guess.

The thing about homemade socks is that you don’t wear them for comfort and warmth. You wear them to show off that someone who loves you very much is far more talented than they will ever be. You wear homemade socks to belittle all those around you who are lesser people, unloved, and cursed to walk the earth in tube socks and store-bought monstrosities (probably with bears on).

After you are finished reading this tutorial, you will know how to make your own socks for someone you love. Or you could make the socks for yourself, to prove to the world that someone loves you. It’s okay. I won’t tell anyone that you’re a lone sockman (and understand here I mean “man” in the sense of “human”, and not in the sense of “male”). Whatever purpose you have for your socks is, ultimately, your business. Okay. First, you begin your sock.

 

It should look like this:

2014-01-13 15.52.46

Make your sock however you’d like. Some people like to put fancy patterns on their socks. Other people like to use fancy yarns and wools for their socks. *I* say that as long as you can basically proved you worked on a sock, it doesn’t matter which of those two options you choose (it’s probably possible to combine those two options into, like, a whole bunch of OTHER options. Statistically, I mean, but this isn’t a DIY stats post, so…we’ll just stick with those two options).

Next, you’ll want to keep working on your sock.

Something like this: A_uU913CIAAut98.jpg-large

You’ll want to make note of the fact that this sock is *actually* a different sock from the sock featured in step 1.

Shit. I forgot to number the steps.

Okay, so *starting* the sock is Step 1. Working on the sock is Step 2.

Next, you’re going to want to… …oh bugger me.

*Actually*, Step 1. is “choose yarn”. It looks like this: 2014-01-13 14.32.53

You can use any kind of yarn you’d like, keeping in mind that you only have two options: 1) Fancy pattern; 2) Fancy …wait, is this confusing to start a new numbered list within an already numbered list? Let’s go with a) and b) instead, just to be safe. Your only two options for your sock are a) use a fancy pattern; or b) use fancy yarn. THOSE ARE YOUR ONLY TWO OPTIONS. If you try to deviate from these two options, you’ll just muck everything up and nobody will be better than anybody else due to their socks and we can’t have that because people are, by nature, animals, and animals need a pecking order, and HOW ELSE IS IT EVEN STILL LEGAL TO DISCRIMINATE?

Sorry, I got a bit carried away there.

You should now be completing Step 3.: Working on your Sock. Good job! If you are not yet at Step 3., go back to Step 2. (Starting your sock) or even Step 1. (picking out the yarn you want to use). For the rest of you who ARE at or nearing the end of Step 3. (working on your sock), we will now examine Step 4.: Finishing your sock. I don’t actually have a picture for this one, so just kind of picture pictures 2 and 3 (which are actually pictures 1 and 2 except I forgot to add numbering at the beginning and then realized I’d forgotten step 1 altogether so I added it later), except with more sock and less unworked yarn. There will be some needly bits at the top of the toe (or at the bottom of the cuff if you’ve done an Opposite Sock), and probably some sort of neutrally-coloured background behind the sock to display the genius of EITHER your pattern OR your yarn.

Excellent. That was Step 4.

Step 5. is probably the easiest step of all: Take a picture of your socks. This should look something like this:
photo

Note: Socks you have completed may not look like socks featured in this tutorial.

 

Generally, you want to take a picture of the socks on some feet, or possibly in a picturesque setting that may or may not seem incongruous depending on what your view of where it is and is not appropriate to be wearing socks may be.

Goddamn it, I forgot another step.

Step 4.5 is to “make another sock”. Just slide that in between Steps 4 and 5 if you will. Thanks.

Step 6. Give the socks to someone who needs to feel superior.

There you go. This has been your Internet Tutorial DIY How To Make Socks guide.

cenobyte
cenobyte is a writer, editor, blogger, and super genius from Saskatchewan, Canada.

4 Comments

  1. Your Like! button keeps refusing to load.

    Sometimes Like! is the only correct response to a post, unless you have the time to write several pages of praise. If I ever spend any of my life’s time knitting socks, I will be sure to come back to the tutorial, and hope that by then you will have put in Step .5, which is the step that shows how you get those little loopies onto the needle – kind of a critical step, don’t you know.

    No one has EVER made me socks. Which would have been especially appropriate since I have non-standard-size feet (ie, big).

    1. Boo, Alicia.
      My “like” button is loading for me!

      Is anyone else having issues “liking” these posts?

      (folks what make socks don’t care if you have big feet. In fact, we adore the challenge.)

i make squee noises when you tell me stuff.

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