The Christmas Story, in Effbook status updates…

Just about [dinner time on the 24th], [Mary’s] contractions would have started in ernest. “Joey,” she might have said, “I have to get off this bloody donkey.”

They sugar-coat it in the Gospels, but Mary was actually pretty testy. There wasn’t any “and it came time for Mary to be delivered”; it was all “get me the eff of this effing donkey before I stab you in the eye with my cloak pin!” and Joseph was all, “But Maaaary…they said they have no vacancies.” And Mary was all, “…I swear to God, Joey, if you don’t get me down off this beast, YOU can bear His firstborn.”

…and so then Mary says, “HHHHNNNNNGGGGNNNNN”. And Joseph wrings his hands a bunch. Because no matter what you might have read, women do have pain during childbirth (thanks for THAT one, Eve). And then Mary’s all, “I can’t do this anymore.” And Joseph is all, “Oooh! I remember this from our prenatal class!” And Mary’s all, “Screw you, Joe.” And Joseph is all, “I wish.”

After all the pushing and the gushing, Joseph ties the kid up in strips he tore off his dress. Mary says, “Give. Me. That.”, and she yanks Baby God away and leans back in the straw with him. “So, um, that was pretty cool, hey?” Joseph says, glancing at the door. “What?” Mary asks, nearly asleep. “Well, it’s just that……I invited some of the guys over…” The bible doesn’t tell you about The Look she shot at him then.

“You twat,” Mary growled under her breath. “First you drag me halfway across the Delta because YOUR FATHER happens to be of the CLAN OF DAVID and you have to pay TAXES here, when I’m pregnant and in labour, and now…and NOW…” her voice has risen to a screech, “you want me to ENTERTAIN YOUR BUDDIES!!??”

“Wull,” Joseph says, glancing at the door.

“IN A BARN!!??” she shouts.

“Look,” Joseph clenches his teeth and growls back. “I agreed to marry you when nothing bigger than a blood clot had travelled through your…well. I agreed to marry you. Then some guy on fire descends out of the sky and tells me you’re knocked up with the Messiah, and I’m supposed to be all, ‘oooh, Huzzah!’, which is FINE, but when I invite a few of the guys over afterward, the least you can do is try to understand.”

“FINE.” Mary glares at him.

“Fine.” Joseph glares back.

“Dudes?” someone asks from outside the barn. “Is this a bad time? We saw this big, flashing light, and we were all, like, freaked out, man…”

Mary sighs. “Let the idiots in,” she says. “Some day, I’m sure the baby will bless them for being idiots.”

Later, when the little kid with the drum finally quit playing, Mary just wanted to sleep, what with the childbirthing and the shepherds, and she was all, “Joey, how much longer are they going to stay? I’m exhausted.” And Joseph was all, “I think that drummer kid is just about done. One of the shepherds is giving him some lamb chops to shut him up.” And this is how Christmas Day *really* ended.

  2 comments for “The Christmas Story, in Effbook status updates…

  1. brielle
    26 December 2009 at 11:34 am

    pleasee….PLEASEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
    re-write all the gospels?? please?

    I can pay you in chocolate coins. Santa brought me lots.

  2. Smarty Pants
    29 December 2009 at 9:00 am

    Atleast do The Last Supper? I, also, have many chocolate coins.
    How about The Sermon on the Mount with all those, like, Beatitudes?
    Awesome stuff.

i make squee noises when you tell me stuff.

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