The 7-Year-Old Uncertainty Principle

The 7-year-old Uncertainty Principle (7yoUP) states that you may observe any number of 7-year-olds in your yard at an instant in time, but you can never actually know how many 7-year-olds are in your yard. You can know the *identity* of some of the 7-year-olds in your yard, or you can know the *position* of some of the 7-year-olds in your yard, but you can never know all of the properties of all of the 7-year-olds in your yard. Which is to say, you cannot observe the 7-year-olds in your yard without fundamentally affecting the system itself.

This is due to the 7-year-old Singularity, which tells us that 7-year-olds often fail to be well-behaved.

Therefore, when you observe two 7-year-olds in your yard, it is probably safest to assume there are an infinite number of 7-year-olds in your yard, moving at such high speeds and/or behaving so erratically as to be essentially unobservable.

I’d better win the fucking Nobel Prize for Mathematics or Physics or Parenting for this observation, I tell you. Because I swear to God, within FOUR SECONDS, one seven-year-old boy has become five seven-year-old boys. And I **don’t know where they come from**. One moment they’re not there, and then POW! There they are.

I’m pretty sure this is a power one could tap for evil, nefarious purposes. Like, by feeding any number of the seven-year-olds some cola and lick-m-aid.

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  3 comments for “The 7-Year-Old Uncertainty Principle

  1. Suz
    20 June 2012 at 10:21 am

    Pure gold.

  2. 20 June 2012 at 3:47 pm

    A related theory is what I call the Teenager/Fridge Dichotomy (T/F D). The more teenagers float through your house, the less your fridge contains. You can offer food and they will say ‘No thanks.’ And then when they leave a whole freakin’ HAM is gone.

  3. 13 February 2014 at 9:46 am

    A great wiseness there is here.

i make squee noises when you tell me stuff.

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