Ladies, let’s sit and have a little chat, shall we?
Some of you need an intervention. Some of you needed an intervention when you were still under the age of ten. I’m sure some of you won’t pay attention to this intervention, but really, trust me: it’s for your own good, and for the good of the whole world.
Bodies come in many shapes and sizes. As long as you are *healthy*, it doesn’t really matter what shape and/or size your body is. Some of us are flat-chested, some of us are well-endowed; some of us have great, sensuous round hips, and some of us are far more streamlined. Some of us have bingo flaps on the backs of our arms which can be deployed in a strong headwind to increase lift. The point is, if you don’t look like “that” or like “this”, it’s no big deal. But there is something that *is* a big deal.
This thing is shape-appropriate attire.
I have said before that spandex is a privilege and not a right. This could be amended to ‘spandex in public is a privilege and not a right’. I do not wear spandex, unless it is as reinforcing material in my bathing suit or brassiere. I *did* wear spandex, when I was sixteen. I wore spandex bicycling shorts because I used to do an awful lot of bicycling. I don’t believe that I could fit those shorts on my bingo flaps now, if I still had the shorts, which I do not. BECAUSE I HAVE NOT BEEN SIXTEEN FOR TWENTY YEARS.
Baby, tube tops are awfully cute on little girls. Some older girls and young women can get away with tube tops as well. When we develop our luscious curves we enter in a time in which extreme caution must be exercised. Tube tops are dangerous, dangerous things. Here are some guidelines for you:
1) If you do not pass the pencil test*, you probably should not wear anything without straps. Unless all you’re doing is lying down, or reclining on a chaise whilst your cabana boy feeds you peeled grapes.
2) If the tube you are preparing to don is too small for your thigh, it is too small for your torso.
3) Tube tops look bloody stupid when worn over a tee-shirt. This applies to women and girls of all ages.
4) Flocked tube tops do not make you look slimmer. They. Just. Don’t.
5) A tube top is *not* the same as a strapless gown. DO YOU HEAR ME, TEENAGERS!?? THAT IS A **SHIRT**, NOT A DRESS.
6) Never, ever wear a tube top to church. ESPECIALLY if you’re the priest.
7) Tube tops are meant to be handled gently, with grace and a delicate touch. It is a Bad Idea to wear a tube top to participate in football, soccer, baseball, basketball, rugby, marathons, jump-rope, hopskotch, or curling. They are appropriate for swimming, beach volleyball, darts, and ice dance.
8 ) If you are over the age of 35, you might want to ask yourself, before donning a tube sock top: what am I trying to accomplish, here? Am I wearing the tube top, or is the tube top wearing me?
9) If you are over the age of 70, wear whatever the hell you please.
The next lesson will be: Fake Nails, or What Were You Thinking?
*The pencil test: this is how the school nurse/guidance councilor/phys ed teacher decides it’s time for a brassiere – slip a pencil beneath your breast. Let go of the pencil. If it drops out relatively quickly, you don’t need a lot of support. For reference, the pencil I slipped under my breast in grade six is still there. I have named it Millicent.