And nobody believes a damned thing you say (sometime I’ll tell you about all the shite I used to pull on my mother on April Fool’s Day. Her staff gave me a trophy once), this is the day you should pick to, oh I dunno, go to Confession or something. The day to ‘fess up for all the bad things you’ve done, and for all the peoples you’ve pained, because you don’t have to worry about their judging you. Because they will just assume that when you say, “Yeah, remember that time in grade ten when you said I stole your boyfriend and I said that was impossible because that implies humans can be property that are subject to ownership? Well, I was making crap up and I TOTALLY stole your boyfriend, and you know what? He was not the dick I said he was. He was pretty awesome, actually. I just only told you he was a total dick so that you’d think I did you a favour”, you’re pulling some April Fool malarky on them.
Some things to confess about on April 1st (because it’s always better to get it off your chest):
- That time I said those pants don’t make you look weird, I was totally lying. They make you look like a midget. Which isn’t a bad thing, if that’s the look you’re going for.
- I *totally* borrowed your favourite shirt, and it’s in pieces on the bedroom floor. Of the boyfriend I stole in third year who told me he felt terrible because he really thought you were keen.
- The time I said that was not my dog.
- When I told you I had no idea what that stuff on your toothbrush is, I was kind of making things up. I needed to use it to get the scunge out of the grout around the base of the toilet.
It occurs to me though to encourage you not to be *too* specific in your confessions.
So, instead of “you know when I told you that I totally didn’t know that your uncle poured poison in your father’s ear as he slept, before I married him? I was fibbing that time; your uncle did tell me he was thinking of doing that, and I didn’t really do anything to stop him because he has nice buns”, you could just say, “I wasn’t entirely forthright with you about your father.”
Just remember, when you’re done your confession, you’re to wave your arms in the air like an orangutan and shout: “April Fool! APRIL FOOL!” Please also video this last bit and post it on the intarweebs.