I’m not sure when the state of our heels became such a huge concern, but apparently it’s a big thing. Like. At some point in the past few years, someone realised that the true path to success is through baby-soft heels. To be clear, I’ve never had a pedicure in my life, so I don’t know what the big deal is with feet. This should come as no surprise; I’m not one of those cosmetics and treatments and products sort of people. But I was curious.
Yes, yes, I know dry and cracked skin is painful, and there’s something in the back of my head about weird fish that eat the dead skin off your feet (that’s a Japan thing, right? All the best, weirdest things are Japan things), and then there’s the whole ‘foot peel’ thing, which is actually kind of cool because SKIN PEELS OFF YOUR FEET IN HUGE CHUNKS.
I may have spent an entire weekend peeling my feet last summer.
Anyway, just this past summer we were strolling through some shop and I saw this product – the Amopé Pedi Perfect. I was curious. That’s what this is about really. Curiosity.
Turns out it’s basically a belt sander! For your feet! If they’d have just said “tired of finding a belt sander small enough to leave most of your foot skin where it needs to be, but big enough to deal with difficult foot skin issues? The Amopé Pedi Perfect is the perfect blend of power tool and spa treatment!”, I’d have been far more likely to give it a whirl.
The first time I used this product (I got the rechargable one because batteries piss me off and I tend to trip over things that have cords), great clouds of ground skin rose off my feet like flocks of starlings on the wing. Plume after plume rose and floated into the sunlight-speckled air, prompting #HisNibs to pick his eyebrow and sigh meaningfully and say “in the middle of the LIVING ROOM!? REALLY?”. (Apparently, one should use this product in the bathroom. Or, preferably, the garage or basement where one keeps the other power tools. Who knew.)
To be completely honest, it’s actually more of a drum sander. But I wouldn’t recommend doing the whole floor with the Amopé Pedi Perfect. That would take a *seriously* long time. You’d have to recharge the Pedi Perfect *several* times a day if you were going to do the whole floor. I’d recommend actually using a drum sander for a whole floor. If you were just trying to, say, get the permanent marker off your favourite eraser (THANK YOU VERY MUCH, GLENN FROM GRADE FOUR), the Pedi Perfect would probably be excellent.
I did try the Amopé Pedi Perfect on my windowsill, and it worked quite well. If you had one layer of laytex and possibly a layer of primer, the Pedi Perfect would still not be a great tool to use because the whole recharging thing. However, it does work and is less of a pain in the arse than just plain sandpaper. I don’t recommend using the Pedi Perfect if you have a high gloss finish or if there’s any chance you have lead paint as the teensy tinsy bits that get sanded off will probably eventually drive you mad and cause you to play violin while the American people elect a …well. Anyway. Don’t use it on lead-based paint.
I suspect it would take several days, if not weeks, to get the rust off of your vehicle or boat using the Amopé Pedi Perfect, and you’d run through several little barrels or rolls of the abrasive. You’re also going to want the version that just plugs in, and a very long extension cord, because again, the battery really only lasts for like 20 minutes.
If you’re just sanding your heels, 20 minutes is probably sufficient. Depending, I guess, on how often you sand your heels. The first time I used this product, I ground my heels down basically to the bone, but it took several hours. In retrospect, I suspect if you follow the instructions, you probably won’t do that. Like who knows, maybe if I wore socks and shoes all the time I’d have feet like this guy:
For those of you without foot issues, here are the results of the Amopé Pedi Perfect. Do try to imagine that the ‘before’ picture of my foot looks like the foot of some poor unfortunate they pulled out of the deepest forests of Borneo, the foot of someone who has the sort of extremely rare disease that makes their feet look like the trunks of trees or elephant skin or elephant skin that looks like it’s made from the trunks of trees. And not nice, smooth poplars either; we’re talking the kind of trees that look like thick, scaly, wrinkly things. Old things. Dessicated things. Things that might wake up when you’re sleeping and creep up the foot of your bed and just…sit there on your chest staring. Staring.
The product does what it says it’s going to do, provided you a) read the instructions; and b) follow them. It’s relatively painless, provided the above two rules are followed. Nota Bene: be especially cautious when attempting to use the tiny belt sander on the underside of your toes, because sometimes it will slip and flip over the top of your foot and catch your baby toe in between the barrel and the handle and then it just kind of does that thing that the gears from the Ark 4 do to that guy’s arm in the movie “2012”, which is actually a pretty terrible movie although the scene with John Cusack’s character OUTRUNNING A FRIGGING VOLACNIC ERUPTION IN A FRIGGING WINNEBAGO AND THEN OUTRUNNING THE CRUMBLING EARTH’S CRUST ON FOOT is pretty hilarious. In the same kind of way anyone outrunning an explosion is in any movie ever invented that has that scene in it.
As you can see, my feet look smooth and pink as a baby’s rump! Get off my chest, weird scaly old wrinkly thing! Thank you, tiny belt sander, for fixing my life.