Pride

Hotel rooms make me think weird. Never mind the bloody *crippling* anxiety/panic attack I had yesterday for absolutely no reason (I was absolutely convinced that I was dying and ought to have called 911 so that His Nibs, returning from taking the chit’luns out for haircuts, wouldn’t find my corpse curled up in the bathroom). Weirdest, most horrible thing I have ever experienced. I mean, I’ve had minor anxiety about going around in or with large groups of people, and I hate places like bars and nightclubs, but this was just effed up, y’all.

I think it was at the point where I couldn’t find my own pulse that I figured out my brain was screwing with me. At that point, I sat on the edge of the tub, and said “cenobyte, you have a pulse if you really didn’t have one, you wouldn’t be worried about having one. You are not a vampire.

Didn’t make me feel any less safe about not being in the process of dying; it took His Nibs coming back to make me feel better. (Cue:awwww. Ain’t that sweet?)

Then last night, after the reception, we were sitting in the mall and there was some kind of bizarre Alberta health screening wherein you got hooked up to a bunch of electrodes and got some kind of full body scan. But here’s the hitch: you had to drink the radioactive substance mixed in with … Wait for it … Horse turds.

Each patient had to go and pick up their ice cream scoop of horse shite, then go to a little waiting room to have it mixed with radioactive chalk. Then you have to get in another line to wait for the barber, who shaves your head so the electrodes will pick up signals properly from your brain. Seriously.

So I got my little tub of turds, and went and sat in the waiting room with a bunch of people I don’t know, and one that I did know. And I ended up leaving because…get this…I was too vain to let them shave my hair.

Dudes, I don’t know if you know this about me, but I shaved my head regularly for seven years or more. But last night, in my dream, I refused the medical procedure because I was too vain about my hair to let them shave it. So I woke up. Yes, the second half of my weird experience yesterday was a dream. I hope to Christ the former experience never happens again.