The smile in passing the light-sounding laughter the social niceties is any of it real or is it a coping mechanism because if you don’t let the real crap show then you won’t have to explain it and if you explain it you let it out you let it into the real world and then it becomes real and you don’t want it to be real you want it to be something that’s just in your head so you offer the smile, the laughter, the small talk.
It’s a slow progression of bitterness and discontent that begins with the wrong dressing on a salad brought to the table by a bored server who would rather be anywhere, ANYWHERE rather than serving you right at this moment to the constant noise and chatter you can’t get away from and soon you’ll be so close to the edge of something that you can’t back away from it but you don’t know what it’s the edge of, and you don’t know what you’re in danger of falling in to.
The thoughts you have are confusing, conflicting, self-defeating, angry, intolerant, and you don’t want to stop thinking them because they give you strength but this isn’t you is it? Is this you? Who are you? Where have you gone?