NOW I get it

About ten years ago, I was offered a freelance contract writing an ‘advice column’ for a men’s magazine. I turned down the offer because a) they weren’t paying well; and b) I wasn’t sure they’d appreciate the kind of ‘advice’ I’d be giving. Because either I’d have to give completely tongue-in-cheek advice or I’d have to give serious advice, and i’m pretty sure the latter would be the kind of thing that may make people weep. I’m not known for sage advice delivered with a soft touch. Heh. Initially I typed ‘a soft torch’, which is more the kind of advice i *am* adept at giving.

Anyhow, add to this the fact that I’ve never read men’s magazines. I’ve read *pornographic* magazines, but publications like “Men’s Health” or “Men’s Weekly” or “Healthy Macho Man” or what-have-you? Never even glanced at it. For the record, I don’t purchase many women’s magazines. Because they make me angry.

Women’s magazines are all about how to decorate and what the hot new makeup colours are and how to blow-dry your hair without getting the frizzies and which stars are dating which other stars and what the last thing is that Oprah said you should do. Sometimes, the magazines have recipes (my aunts kept women’s magazines in the washroom).

I always figured these kinds of advertisements on paper were one step below crappy self-help books like Men are From Mars; Women are From Venus and Chicken Soup for the Soul …about on line with those solve-the-maze placemats at truck stop diners. Particularly the ones some four-year-old has solved before you got there.

So imagine my surprise when I found myself reading a men’s magazine. It had an interesting workout set that i thought sounded kind of cool. So I went to the website. Where I subsequently found a number of patronising articles about a) how men *CAN* cook; b) the ways to impress other men higher on the machismo/power ladder; c) how men will score points with the chix AND with their bosses if they can iron…blah blah blah. It’s a bunch of alpha male bullshit.

Most of this malarky, I just shake my head at and wonder how publications like this make money. Like, who *buys* this crap? It’s about what you could expect for something in which the primary advertisers are: exercise equipment manufacturers; drug companies hocking diet/fat-burning pills; etc.. This is the kind of publication designed to make the consumer feel bad about himself.

But you know, I learned something, wading through the twaddle and blather. I learned why some guys make me want to send them a bag of vomit. Now fellas…especially those of you, maybe younger fellas, maybe shy fellas…I want you to listen to me here. If you take the advice you find in this type of magazine, you are *guaranteed* to fail in romance. Gare-ant-eeeed.

I’ll show you one of them. I may include some editorial comments.

Top ten signs she’s interested in you

1
She’s Chatting Up the Bar Tender
A flirtatious woman can hardly contain herself. She won’t let a male waiter or bartender take her order without flashing a smile and saying something silly, like, “What can you make me that would be really yummy” [ed. note: Actually, this means she’s interested in the bartender or waiter. If you’re on a date with a woman who pays no attention to you, but does pay attention to all the other men around her, either she’s the wrong woman or the two of you are the wrong combination.]

2
She’s Scanning the Room
When women go out to bond with friends, they have blinders on. If they’re not looking around, don’t bug them. But when they want to mingle, they’ll be scanning for cute men. They may even sit facing the room instead of each other.
[ed. note: clearly, this article is written by someone who did all of their ‘research’ in a nightclub, smashed on sangria and booze-fueled observational skills. When women go out to bond with friends, at least in this woman’s experience, they don’t go to nightclubs and singles bars, period. They go to each others’ houses or maybe for a run in the park. Anyone who goes out to nightclubs, bars, pool halls, or GWAR concerts trolling for dates is not looking for a relationship. Not the kind of relationship you’re worthy of.]

3
She’s Playing Games
Darts, pool, pinball—women know this makes them easier to approach. That’s why they do it. It’s easy to get a man’s attention when you’re about to jab him in the ribs with a pool cue.
[ed. note: That’s right! Actually, I completely agree with this point! It is a well-kept secret that the only reason women participate in sports or, in fact, any activity that takes us away from cooking and cleaning is so that we can attract a man’s attention! Women who game only do it because it makes them easier to approach! It’s because all we want to do is rut like rabbits!]

4
Her Drink is Big, Frozen, and Blue
She’s ready to party, which means meeting new people and having a good time, not getting naked with the first guy who buys her another round. But sometimes it does mean getting naked with the first hot, cool guy who buys her another round.
[Ed. Note: What. The. Poop. I mean, I don’t even know where to START with this. I mean, there’s the obvious “sometimes a Frigid Smurf is just a Frigid Smurf”; there’s the cautionary: once you’ve seen what those blue drinks do to someone’s teeth and tongue, there’s no way you’re going to want that radioactive crap anywhere near your own skin; and there’s the ‘how the eff do you equate someone with bad taste in drinks with someone who’s has so little self-respect that she’d bed the first mook to buy her a drink?’ angle…]

5
She Sends You a Zoolander Eye Lock
And the eyebrow raise, and/or at least two smiles (full, open-lipped, teeth smiles). Go over there and talk to her already. Caveat: There’s a small chance she just thinks you’re funny looking, but go ahead, have some balls. She’s worth it.
[ed. note: Aw. That’s sweet. She’s WORTH it. She’s WORTH you ‘manning up’. ]

6
Her Pupils are Dilated
If she’s feeling stimulated by you (not just sexually), her pupils will dilate. That’s because her body is programmed to want to see more of whatever’s exciting her, so her brain tells her irises to let in more light. Time to make your move.
[ed. note: the pupils are also dilated during periods of intoxication, life-threatened fear, and intense anger. Sounds like a recipe for date rape to me. PLUS, if you’re close enough to see her gorram pupils, you ought to’ve clued in by now that she’s interested.]

7
She Lets You Get Close
As you flirt, stand or sit within 6 inches of her. If she seems unruffled, move closer. Eventually you want your thigh to be pressed against hers, whether you’re standing or sitting. If she’s into it, she won’t back off.
[ed. Note: This is called ‘assault’. Sometimes she won’t back off because she can’t. Sometimes she won’t back off because she’s terrified. Why not just, after the Zoolander thing and before the Pupils thing, why not just ask her if she’d like to dance/go for coffee/talk about World of Warcraft (or whatever)?]

8
She Uses Her Tongue
A make-out session is a prerequisite to any sexual proposition. Kiss her lips softly and note how intensely she’s kissing back. You want the “I want to eat you alive” kind of kiss, not the sweet “I’m not a dirty girl” kind of kiss.
[ed. Note: Er. I beg your pardon. How did we get here? If she’s using her tongue, she’s interested. And a make-out session is most decidedly NOT a prerequisite to any sexual proposition. This is the second stupidest thing i’ve ever read. After the Frigid Smurf thing.]

9
She’s a Chatterbox
If she leans forward when you’re talking or asks you endless questions, the only way to shut her up is to kiss her.
[ed. Note: Or you could hit her with a sack of hammers. That works too. Dude, if she’s *talking* to you, she’s *interested in you*. She might not be interested in spending the night, but that’s a good thing.]

10
She’s Wearing Thigh-High Stockings
Women only wear sexy underthings when they’re expecting a man to see them. If she’s wearing a thong, she’s trying to avoid panty lines, but sex is on her mind, too. Anything black, red, pink, leopard print, or lace equals “I want you.”
[ed. note: Sometimes, wearing thigh-high stockings only means ‘it’s too bloody hot for pantyhose’. Honestly, I don’t know why anyone wears a thong, except that they want to be made fun of. And by the logic inherent in these pointers, anything more than unconsciousness equals “I want you”. Again, if she’s willingly showing you her underthings, chances are good she’s interested in you and you don’t need this list. Oh, and also, that first line there, that’s a complete lie. Sometimes, and this may come as a shock, so you may want to have a sit-down…sometimes, women wear sexy underthings because we like being the beautiful, sexy things we are. It has nothing to do with who’s seeing whom.]

Perhaps tomorrow I will show you the list of ten ways to keep your sex life interesting (this assumes you’ve followed these first ten instructions).

  4 comments for “NOW I get it

  1. turk182@shaw.ca
    22 August 2010 at 9:25 pm

    a good friend, why no he’s not gay what make u say that

    • turk182@shaw.ca
      22 August 2010 at 9:57 pm

  2. Cori May
    23 August 2010 at 4:54 pm

    I like Vogue for the pictures. It’s like fashion pr0n for me. I like to see the beautiful things and imagine life with horses and dogs in the English countryside. I kid you not.

    Cosmopolitan, however, I stopped reading while I was dating my first real boyfriend. I would read an article and start wondering if I was a good enough girlfriend or if I was doing sex right, and finally I realized the real problem was Cosmo.

    The best way to read Men’s Health is to have the SMA read it to you while travelling, with similar commentary.

    I did get a kiss once from a random boy at a bar. It was the best thing ever.

    • turk182@shaw.ca
      23 August 2010 at 8:10 pm

      This post makes me tremble with rage/unrage and also diarrhea. i challenge u to a look off sir/madam but not right now excuse me

i make squee noises when you tell me stuff.

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