I drank chalk

It was frigging awesome.

First, they gave me something “to put air in my belly”. “It’s a solid gas,” she said. “It will dissolve in your mouth,” she said (it didn’t. I was hoping for Pop Rocks, but it was more like breadcrumbs). “Try not to burp,” she said. I laughed at her. Well, okay, technically, I laughed at her suggestion that I should try not to burp.

Then, they gave me this cup of heavy, heavy shit. Seriously. Barium weighs about the same as concrete. Or drywall mud at least. tastes about the same too.

So the X-ray tech guy comes in and asks me to drink it down as fast as I can. So I do.
He says “Did you drink it all?”
I say, “Yup. It was gross.”
He says, “Wow. Good for you. Not many people can drink it all.”
I say, “Well. I practiced an AWFUL lot in college.”
Then he had to have a little sit-down. Apparently nobody compares doing shooters of barium to drinking in college.

So then the thing I was standing on just sort of started tipping backward. They should really warn you when the thing you’re standing on starts tipping backward. Especially if you’ve just drunk a bunch of radioactive chalk. I thought I was turning into a mutant, and dissolving through the wall. Turns out the thing I was standing on is SUPPOSED to do that.

Radiology technician says: “Now I’m going to ask you to roll around a bit,” between snickers.
“I practiced THAT a lot in college, too,” I mutter.
He snorts. “What college did you GO to, where you learned all of these skills?”
I tell him which university I graduated from.
“Ohhhh,” he replies, and laughs out loud.

I don’t know if that’s a good reputation to have or a bad one. Either way, it made the radiologist very happy.

Gauging from what I saw on the teevee screen, I think I have an oesophegeal hernia. Some kind of occlusion, anyway, because when I was doing the lying down bit, I could see that my “lines” weren’t smooth. I was still trying to get my head around “solid gas”, though, so I might have been a little muddy-headed.

My poop is going to be interesting tonight/tomorrow. I’m tempted to get a black light to see if it glows.

cenobyte
cenobyte is a writer, editor, blogger, and super genius from Saskatchewan, Canada.

i make squee noises when you tell me stuff.

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