I don’t swing that way

I didn’t go to my ten-year high school reunion, and I neglected to attend my twenty-year high school reunion, and I damn near didn’t even go to my own bloody grad. As it was, I went to my grad as someone else. Always playing a role, even then.

oh wait. Um. I mean, should my twenty year high school reunion ever come about, I shall decline to attend. Because it hasn’t yet been nearly that long since I graduated. In fact, I should *actually* say that *actually*, my tenth high school reunion hasn’t yet come about *either*. Er. Unless you’re totally into older wimmins. In which case, I am precisely the age you require.

Back to my point. I seem to do that a lot, don’t I?

Should *someone else* have a high school reunion, I would totally go in their stead. It wouldn’t matter the gender of the reunionite. In fact, I think it would be a riot to attend your high school reunion as you if you are male. The more I think about that, the happier it makes me.

So. I have decided I will hire myself out as a class reunion stunt double.

“Well, yes, I’ve had some work done. Botox…hair extensions…a little taken off in some areas and put on in other areas. But enough about me – tell me, what ever happened to that horrible mole you had on your…oh. Never mind.”

“Who, ME? I’m a frigging BRAIN SCIENTIST, bitches. I’m a gorram ROCKET SURGEON. I won the Nobel prize for AWESOME. While you were watching whatever crappy sitcom was on in the 60s/70s/80s/90s/early 2000s.”

“Oh of COURSE I have children….but we haven’t spoken in so long…I am one of the Twelve Brides of Martin, perhaps you’ve heard of us? We believe in group marriage planned hours of nakedness in public, and squeezing out as many chitluns as our wimmin parts can handle. We’re a matriarchal society and we encourage multiple male partners. Perhaps you’ve heard of our cookie drive in support of service dogs for dogs with social problems?”

“Yeah. I hated you in grade nine, I despised you in grade ten, I loathed you in grade eleven, and I spat a curse at you in grade twelve. I can see the ‘bloated’ part of ‘bloated corpse’ has worked out well for you. I hope your tits fall off.”

Anyone? Anyone?

cenobyte
cenobyte is a writer, editor, blogger, and super genius from Saskatchewan, Canada.

16 Comments

    1. I couldn’t wait to get out of my high school and away from that place and many of the people I went to school with. I wasn’t a square peg in a round hole; I was an entirely different IQ testing device.

      1. I wanted depth and I got it. I talked to some people today that I normally wouldn’t have . I met a person and I didn’t respect her until tonight infact i thought that she was dumn until now. Anyway I hate the smart and talented and fuck you if you don’t get it

  1. My 10 year reunion sucked. Since I had changed school in grade 11, I didn’t know enough people for anyone to really remember me 10 years later. However, I went to the 20 year reunion for both my high schools and had a great time. The school that I graduated from had a fancy dinner and it was an excuse to get all dressed up. The school I attended for most of my life had it’s 20 year reunion in a bar and we all remembered each other and had a GREAT time.

    However, I think your idea is rock solid and someone should definitely hire you. Someone younger than I am, apparently.

  2. I don’t know if my class even had a 10 or 20 year reunion. I certainly had no interest in attending. I would have hired you, if only to film the event for purely scientific purposes. We would have needed to spirit gum a goatee onto you though, so I hope you aren’t adverse to a little bit in the way of costuming…

  3. I think Facebook has made reunions pretty much obsolete. I now know what people I graduated with do, what their kids do, where they live… actually more info than I’d probably pry out of them with 2 hours of chit chat. So unless I’m going there to sneak off and make love to my wife in my old school somewhere… I don’t see the point. I am not the same person I was in high school, but even then I was hardly close with a lot of people. I didn’t party with them back then, I’m not likely to want to get drunk with them now. Soooo while I think your idea would have worked in a world without Mark Zuckerberg, I think he may have killed your business model before it even lifted off the ground. 20 years ago, you’d have made a killing.

  4. HIRED!

    I have no intention of going to my 20 year reunion (obviously) and everyone from that hellish little town is *gasp* So Looking Forward To It!!!!

    Anyway, I think it would be a riot to prep you and then send you in with a hidden camera as me.

    1. “Oh hey! Did you ever get over that vicious dose of the clap? I just about had to have my lady bits soldered off because of you. No hard feelings though.”

          1. well your age was always attractive to me. lol you actually made me do things that i would never have done.glad u got your own life

i make squee noises when you tell me stuff.

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