I didn’t go to my ten-year high school reunion, and I neglected to attend my twenty-year high school reunion, and I damn near didn’t even go to my own bloody grad. As it was, I went to my grad as someone else. Always playing a role, even then.
oh wait. Um. I mean, should my twenty year high school reunion ever come about, I shall decline to attend. Because it hasn’t yet been nearly that long since I graduated. In fact, I should *actually* say that *actually*, my tenth high school reunion hasn’t yet come about *either*. Er. Unless you’re totally into older wimmins. In which case, I am precisely the age you require.
Back to my point. I seem to do that a lot, don’t I?
Should *someone else* have a high school reunion, I would totally go in their stead. It wouldn’t matter the gender of the reunionite. In fact, I think it would be a riot to attend your high school reunion as you if you are male. The more I think about that, the happier it makes me.
So. I have decided I will hire myself out as a class reunion stunt double.
“Well, yes, I’ve had some work done. Botox…hair extensions…a little taken off in some areas and put on in other areas. But enough about me – tell me, what ever happened to that horrible mole you had on your…oh. Never mind.”
“Who, ME? I’m a frigging BRAIN SCIENTIST, bitches. I’m a gorram ROCKET SURGEON. I won the Nobel prize for AWESOME. While you were watching whatever crappy sitcom was on in the 60s/70s/80s/90s/early 2000s.”
“Oh of COURSE I have children….but we haven’t spoken in so long…I am one of the Twelve Brides of Martin, perhaps you’ve heard of us? We believe in group marriage planned hours of nakedness in public, and squeezing out as many chitluns as our wimmin parts can handle. We’re a matriarchal society and we encourage multiple male partners. Perhaps you’ve heard of our cookie drive in support of service dogs for dogs with social problems?”
“Yeah. I hated you in grade nine, I despised you in grade ten, I loathed you in grade eleven, and I spat a curse at you in grade twelve. I can see the ‘bloated’ part of ‘bloated corpse’ has worked out well for you. I hope your tits fall off.”