Get To Know Me!

I think I might be the only person who remembers the obscure (read: very early 80s) sketch from Saturday Night Live where Jon Lovitz plays this character who keeps hollering: “GET TO KNOW ME!” SNL stopped being good somewhere around the time the Kids in the Hall started broadcasting…my crackpot hypothesis that almost every program that broadcast in the 80s was terrible. With the exception of the A-Team. And Magnum, P.I..

Anyway, here’s the deal. I need a new doctor. And since doing it the old fashioned way doesn’t seem to be working very well, I’m going to do it a different way. So here it is:

Attractive, high-energy female, seeking a well-educated, professional gentleman or lady for discrete meetings a few times a year. Must be good with children and husband.

Seriously. Get to know me. I am proactive when it comes to my family’s wellness, and am interested in and willing to listen to alternative medical practices, including natural treatments, Chinese/Eastern medicine, traditional healing, chiropractic, massage, etc.. I believe in as little medical intervention as necessary, and prefer to discover the causes of illness rather than simply to treat symptoms, but will accept traditional ‘western’ medical treatments when necessary. I am looking for a new family doctor for myself, my two children (under 12), and my husband. We are a fun family who love to laugh and who are relatively active. Aside from our annual physical examinations, we usually only make two to three appointments each year for the entire family.

Our most recent family physician left his GP practice to focus on surgery. We are looking for a doctor who is willing to listen to us, who is willing to spend the time necessary to get to know each of us as a person, including our family histories. We have copies of our medical records, and wish to be active participants in our ongoing health maintenance. We will ask questions, and we want our new physician to be the sort of person who is willing to use the big words, and explain them if we need it explained. We want to know the what *and* the why.

If you think you can pass muster, then I challenge you to GET TO KNOW ME! You won’t be sorry.

I know that most physicians won’t bother to look at this advert more than once, if they even see it. But maybe you’re different. Maybe you’re the sort of doctor who wants to make a difference. Maybe you’re the sort of doctor who is sick of being scoffed at when you recommend your patient see a chiropractor or an herbalist. Maybe you’re the sort of doctor who likes to solve puzzles. Maybe you’re the sort of doctor who, like your future patients, is sick of quackery, snobbery, and laziness.

So here’s your challenge: you take a chance with me, and I’ll take a chance with you. I don’t want to fight with your receptionist, and to tell you the truth, I’m sick to death of trying to deal with the Qu’Appelle Health Region. So you let me know where your clinic is, and I’ll make an appointment. I know you can’t solicit patients, and that’s why you’ll be answering *my* ad. I’m not allowed to offer you anything in return for your services except my respect, my admiration, and really good reviews of your services. I don’t know how much that means in your field, but everyone likes to be appreciated.

We’re willing to travel some, for the perfect doctor. So if that’s you, GET TO KNOW ME!

Reply to this email address with some details about who you are and why you want me and my family as patients.

(official Kijiji ad is here)

cenobyte
cenobyte is a writer, editor, blogger, and super genius from Saskatchewan, Canada.

2 Comments

    1. I knew you’d come through for me, Arnisador!

      You know even more obscure comedy than I do!!! And I, apparently, judging from the blank looks on many people’s faces when I say something INCREDIBLY WITTY based on a pop culture reference, know rather a lot.

i make squee noises when you tell me stuff.

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