Conspiracy Theories are not just for Left-Wing-Nuts anymore!

I know. It’s hard to believe that right-wingers could be involved in something as clearly steeped in socialism as conspiracy theories, but there is evidence that this is precisely what could be happening. While those on the right of the political/philosophical spectrum seem to take great glee in dismissing everything a left-wing-nut might say as “madness” and “fear-mongering”, I noticed something today. I was driving to work, and there was a discussion on the radio about the climate change conferences taking place in Copenhagen. The discussion began with a guest on the program claiming that Canada is entering in to these conferences with a Black Spot on our reputation. We are considered to be, as it were, stodgy climate-change deniers with our heads fully planted in the [oil] sands. This guest indicated that there is at least one group of environmentalists at Copenhagen who are pushing for Canada to sign a treaty that would bind us to reducing our emissions to 40% below 1990 standards.

I’m not going to comment much on that, because I’m pretty sure it’s not going to be taken seriously by anybody, either in the ‘for’ column or in the ‘agin’ column. But here is what I do want to say:

This is the running theory coming out of the right, near as I can tell:
There is no such thing as “Global Warming”. Even though “scientists” have declared this decade the warmest on record since records began being …erm… recorded in the 1850s, there is no such thing as Global Warming. It is natural for the earth’s atmosphere to warm up and to cool down, and there is no solid evidence that supports the claim that anthropomorphic climate change is a real issue (climate change caused by people, what). There is, however, evidence that scientists colluded to keep certain information out of the hands of the drooling masses. This evidence is called “climategate” and it is proof that left-thinking scientists worked together to create of their scientific studies a kind of propaganda.

Not only that, but all these environmental groups are working together to undermine the GLOBAL ECONOMY and, in fact, Copenhagen isn’t *actually* a series of conferences having to do with climate change at all, but is in fact a secret socialist agenda to DESTROY WESTERN CAPITALIST ECONOMIES and pull the fleece over the eyes of the common man when what they’re really up to is GLOBAL REDISTRIBUTION OF WEALTH. Environmentalists and scientists and socialists all working together are spreading the lie that humans have any effect whatsoever on the health of the planet and the atmosphere. In fact, if it weren’t for one or two rational voices here and there from the right wing, all you idiots out there would just blindly believe whatever they tell you because you can’t be bothered to think for yourselves. You want sound bites and science-*sounding* information, but you wouldn’t be able to understand the REAL issues and evidence, so it’s just being kept from you by a conspiracy of former communists who worked in Russia and East Germany.

When the Berlin Wall came down, those people – those Russians and communist Germans – were out of their jobs, which were to quietly but steadfastly destroy the capitalist economy of the west and to institute a socialist [note: this is the conspiracy, here – we all know that socialism and communism are not the same thing at all] agenda world-wide. When they lost their jobs, they attached themselves to environmentalist organisations because this was an easy stopping place for them to blend their anti-freedom ideas of wealth redistribution with well-distributed vocal protesters around the world.

So, in essence, climate change is a myth created by former cold-war communist anti-capitalist bureaucrats working with socialist dissenters who are using the environment as a front for their continued efforts to break the world’s economy.

Sounds like a conspiracy theory to me.

  8 comments for “Conspiracy Theories are not just for Left-Wing-Nuts anymore!

  1. Smarty Pants
    8 December 2009 at 1:39 pm

    “Can I see your data?”
    “Nope. Deleted it.”
    “Oh, I guess we’ll have to take your word for it then.”
    “Yes you will. Others who have questioned our findings have been drummed out of important periodicals and such.”
    “Say…you wouldn’t be trying to use science to push a poliical agenda would you? You know, especially because certain companies and individuals and governments stand to gain an awful lot of profit from carbon trading and such? I mean, this all seems so terribly unscientific. Especially when no one can see your work and the UN is using your results to enact laws and such…”
    “REDNECK! BIG OIL!”
    “But I just wanna see your numbers and know how you got them and from where, so I can make a truly informed decision, and I-“
    “VAST RIGHT-WING CONSPIRACY!”
    “So what about this computer code here that shows me how you ignored warmer temps in the middle ages, and flipped cooling trends into warming trends between 61 and present? I mean, it’s computer code. It sorta suggests to me that-“
    “THAT CODE WAS HACKED! THEREFORE WHATEVER IT SHOWS DOESN’T APPLY TO ANY REASONED DEBATE! WHY ARE YOU SUCH A HATER? DO YOU HATE BABY SEALS? DO YOU?!”
    “No. No I don’t.”
    “In fact, baby seal rings clinch it. They PROVE we’re all gonna die. I’d show you exactly where it says all that, but I deleted my data.”
    “You’re rather retarded, you make no sense, and as a scientist you should know better than all this. Why are you being so evasive with simple requests for information?”
    “Al Gore, the inventor of the internet agrees with us, and as you all bloody well know the man’s a genius. He made a movie about this. A MOVIE! It’s all right there!”
    “Why are you so cagey with the data if everything truly supports what you’re saying?”
    “DENIER! CONSERVATIVE!”
    “How can I deny or support *anything* if you won’t play it straight and show me what you’re working with?”
    “Sorry, I can’t talk with you any further. The science is settled and I’m off to Copenhagen.”
    (door slam)
    “Hmmm…I’ve gotten no reasonable, logical explanations from this guy…I think I’ll have to start filling in the blanks on my own. It’s a conspiracy to take over the world! GODAMN “BIG GREEN”! Them and their windmills are going to ruin us all and make us slaves to a Green Elite! GIVE ME LIBERTY OR GIVE ME DEATH!! PAVE THE WHALES! AND I CAN *DO* THAT NOW BECAUSE THEY’VE BEEN LYING TO US ABOUT *EVERYTHING*!!
    I’m gonna drive my SUV everywhere now.

  2. cenobyte
    8 December 2009 at 1:43 pm

    *snort*
    Pave the Whales
    (giggle)

    Dude, I’m not saying we left wing-nuts don’t have conspiracy theories. I’m saying you all do too, but you deny it.

  3. cenobyte
    8 December 2009 at 1:45 pm

    *snort*
    Al Gore, the inventor of the Internet

    Best. Conversation. EVAR.

    (seriously. Were you channeling me here, or what?)

  4. Smarty Pants
    9 December 2009 at 9:06 am

    Yes, I was channeling. :-)

    I don’t know that the Right is any different from the Left when it comes to conspiracy. Neither will admit they’re paranoid though because what they believe is “The Truth”. You know – it’s not paranoia if they really *are* out to get you?
    I suspect you’re one of the minority in seeing and admitting it all.

  5. Amy
    10 December 2009 at 12:20 am

    An interesting link (not that I think it will actually change the minds of the fanatics in either direction)

    http://www.informationisbeautiful.net/visualizations/climate-change-deniers-vs-the-consensus/

  6. Anonymous
    21 December 2009 at 1:10 pm

    Thank you for posting this. People seem to forget that both right-wing and left-wing conspiracy theories exist. Usually you only hear about one or the other (depending on who is in charge, it seems).

    Regardless both sides are nuts and paraniod! I like to think that most people dismiss all of these theories as ridiculous.

  7. Ernst Bitterman
    14 December 2010 at 11:07 am

    Damn it! There’s a conspiracy afoot to topple capitalism? Where do we sign up? Is there a suggestion box for what to replace it with?

    • 14 December 2010 at 2:07 pm

      Consider this your Universal Suggestion Box.

i make squee noises when you tell me stuff.

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