Bizarre

Did you know that some people pay shady ladies and gentlemen good money to feel like this. Isn’t that amazing? Some people WANT to feel fuzzy, unfocused, slightly giddy, and off-balance. Have I got a deal for you. Come on over to the house and I will lick your tongue. Then you will be all swimmy and shuddery and shivery and looking at a button for half an hour thinking “holy criminy this thing is amazing! Look at how it BINDS TWO PIECES OF FABRIC TOGETHER! Wow. Who inVENTED this thing?!”

Now, there are some potential downsides. If you’re not fond of rather unbearable chest congestion and coughing up green things, you might not want to have me lick your tongue. But ultimately, that’s just a small price to pay, right? You could be stoned for THREE DAYS! Oh, and then there’s the all-night vomit festival. But again, THREE DAYS! Oh, and trust me, you do NOT want to smell your own breath while you’re under the influence of whatever the poop this is.

But let’s look again at the PROs:

• your head will feel like it is the wrong size! That’s always fun, right? You can keep trying on hats to see if your head actually has changed size!
• You will not be able to walk in a straight line! Not even with a cattle chute, a map, and tethered to a couple of bodybuilders by the waist!
• You won’t even be able to sit up straight! Now you can REALLY put those chairs to a test!
• You will learn to appreciate the little things. Like buttons. And pencils. And tooth floss. And the lines in your hardwood floors.

I poop you not, this is not all that different from an acid trip. Except I’ve NO IDEA when or even if I’ll ever come down.