And the big news in health care today is that even though I waited very, very patiently for a very, very long time to see the new doctor (who seems to be a very, very nice man), when I told him that I have been having the reverse of good luck in trying to lose weight, he kind of glossed over that and focussed on the fact that my toes turn blue on a regular basis.
“That could have something to do with your thyroid,” he said, “but I think there might be other things at work here too. Cold feet is one thing, but they shouldn’t turn blue.”
“They’ve been doing that as long as I’ve been alive, Dr.,” I said.
“But it’s not good!” He said.
“My friend Mr. Stumbly could tell you all kinds of stories about my vampire hands. I mean, not in a dirty way. My hands just leach the warm out of living bodies, but they don’t warm up.” The doctor stared at me. I grinned. I was wearing a blue paper vest with no ties in the back so my arse was hanging out all over the place. “I mean my hands don’t warm up, not the living bodies. Because the living bodies are already warm…”
The doctor did this A-Team* test with my hands, you know, to test out my kung-fu grip? And he said he was going to send me for an arterial Doppler. That means they fire me out of a cannon and try to get me going fast enough to break the sound barrier. Then they measure the change in frequency for the sound waves from the rhythm of my pulse to relay back to the point of origin. I’m not really sure what this test is for, but it sounds hella cool, so I’m going to go get fitted for my Arterial Doppler helmet this afternoon.
I’d also just like to point out that I was topless in front of at least three virtual strangers today. I consider that a personal victory because His Nibs was not present, picking at his eyebrows and Worrying about what the neighbours would say when they caught sight of me reclining topless in a kiddie pool with a book in one hand and a blueberry smoothie in the other. Say. The Electrocardiogram was kind of cool. The leads they use are so sticky I doubt I’ll be able to get my bra off tonight, though.
*It’s actually called “Allen’s Test”, and it’s a test for a restriction in blood supply to the hands. I think the doctor is far more concerned about “ischemia” than I am. My feet aren’t actually all that blue. In fact, they’re just kind of blue-ish. Just at the ends of my toes. I remember during a physical examination in University, my doctor hooted out loud and said: “good GRAVY! Are your toes ALWAYS that colour?”, and I said, “yes. But I don’t always wear white toenail polish.” Anyway, I’m sure I shall have all of my toes tomorrow. At least, I’ll have the most important ones.