A step to the right, hands on your hips, pull your knees in tight

spanx Tired of all those workout videos you watch a couple of times and use to level out the DVR afterward? Don’t want to go to the gym to sweat in front of dozens of people who you assume are staring at you and judging your thighs? Are you looking for a great fitness plan that costs just pennies a month? Have I got the deal for you.

This workout combines the best of yoga flexibility, a little bit of cardio, and core strength workouts. You don’t even need to leave your own bedroom. In fact, you probably don’t want to. And unlike other workouts, with this one, you shower first, and it’s done before you even get into your car to head to the office.

“cenobyte!” You exclaim. “Enough with this mystery! My need-to-know centres are literally on fire with the curiosity!”

Although I’m pretty sure your head isn’t actually on fire, I will share this workout with you. Unlike other fitness programs, I cannot guarantee its success, and like other fitness programs, there are dangers associated with it, but your doctor doesn’t need to be consulted because baby, this is ALL. ON. YOU.

Here’s what you do:
1) Take a shower or bath first thing in the morning;
2) Attempt to put on Spanx(tm) foundation wear.

That’s it. Those are the *only two things* you need to do. Because no matter how much you dry off, no matter how much you think you’re prepared for the stuffing and wriggling and scooching and tugging you need to put on regular pantyhose or underpants, you are NEVER prepared for the contortionism you must endure to wear this shit. You just aren’t.

Roll each leg of the garment into a little croissant, and pretend you’re not thinking of croissants, because if you actually think about croissants you’re going to want a croissant and the whole reason you’re wearing Spanx(tm) is because of bloody croissants so screw you, France. Screw you.

Aim your foot in the tiny hole in the centre of your croissant leg hole and jam your toe through there like you’re loading a torpedo into the firing hole of a nuclear submarine. Children of the cold war, you know what I’m talking about. You have to shove that foot into the toe (or open hole, depending on what version you’re attempting to don) of that foundation garment like you mean to murder some Russians. There’s no coming back now. You’ve entered the launch code.

Regret that you didn’t have the forethought to sit down on the edge of the bed to attempt this because now you’re hopping around on one foot while trying to roll the other leg into a croissant non-pastrylike torus, and you know you haven’t been this flexible since you were seven but whatever you’re not about to admit defeat (pardon the pun) because you can see the end of this ordeal, and the end of this ordeal is that your thighs aren’t going to rub together and end up coating the crotch of your pants/butt of your skirt in blood and skin flakes by the end of the day.

But there’s a problem. Now you have one rolled-up leg on one calf and the other rolled-up leg on the other ankle and you can feel yourself going over but it’s 7 in the goddamned morning and you don’t have the wherewithal to figure out that you’re going to have to let go of the garment before you crash to the floor in humiliation. On the other hand, now that you’re down there, that’s pretty much the lowest point of potential energy so you can be environmentally conscious while you figure out how to simultaneously staunch the bleeding from your fall and continue with the application of your underthings.

“Fuck the bleeding,” you mutter, and start tugging the things up your legs.

If you are wearing the tights version of the things, you’re nearly done. You just stretch out your leg…wait. You *can* reach your ankles, right? I mean, your boobs aren’t in the way? You’re totally flexible enough to just pull your knees up to your chest and grab …oh right. THAT’S why you didn’t let go of the Spanx(tm). It’s because if you let go at this stage, you’re never going to be able to grab on again and you’ll be hobbling around like a horse in…well…a horse in hobbles until someone comes to rescue you and you know FROM EXPERIENCE that is not an ideal favour to have to ask of EMT. The 911 operators still probably have the transcript from the last time this happened, pinned to their cubicles.

So you stretch out your legs, one at a time, while letting out bits of elasticized nylon and spandex, while rolling around on the floor because at this stage of your life, baby, there are no flat parts on you, and that’s a good thing. Nature abhors a flat surface.

However, if you’re wearing the long panty/legging version of these things, your Ordeal has only just begun. You have to pull the little croissant doughnut ring you made in step one *up to your crotch* before you start pulling the top of the garment up over your hip. You can do this while rolling around on the floor, or if you can manoeuvre yourself into a standing position, that is preferable. Good luck.

Let’s just take a moment of silent repose here. You could barely fit your ankle through that little opening. Now you have to “just tug it up to your crotch”? Sister, that shit ain’t goin’ anywhere above the knee without two shoehorns, a can of Crisco, and four strong men. This is the step we call the shimmy-stretch. Stretch the fabric out as far as it will go while you shimmy yourself inside it. Reach behind yourself and tug the back of the garment up about 1/4″ over your carriage. Repeat for approximately 45 minutes. Apply liberal amounts of cuss words.

Eventually, the “elastic” top (remember “elastic” does not mean “infinitely stretchable”) will pop up over your hips and dig painfully into your belly. Keep stretching. Keep shimmying. After another half hour, the top of the band will fit snugly around your ribcage and you will be unable to feel or move your legs because there are tiny little doughnuts croissants rings made of spandex cutting off the circulation to your extremities, all bunched up at your crotch. You will feel lightheaded, although whether this is because of the loss of circulation or because you’ve bested the top half of an undergarment is still up for debate.

Fish around in your labia for the bottom edges of those leg holes and tug them down into place, and voilà! You are ready to get dressed and have most likely put in more of a workout than you would have with Sylvester Stallone’s personal trainer.

Good job, you!

  2 comments for “A step to the right, hands on your hips, pull your knees in tight

  1. Arnisador
    31 May 2015 at 4:15 pm

    the struggle is real

i make squee noises when you tell me stuff.

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